#i mean i don’t consider myself a st fan anymore really

[astrangerthingsblog]

i dont mean to be a negative nelly but i’m not too amazed by the fourth season yet. i really liked episode 7 but i think it’s sucks how much mike and will were sidetracked this season bc they’re my fav characters. i’ll hold my hope up for vol 2 but yea:(

positives: i think jamie campbell bower did amazing as 001. i’ve always loved him so i’m happy he did so great. also loved getting so much max content and sadie was wonderful of course. it was also cool getting some backstory of both el’s time at the lab and how the upside down happened (hoping we’ll get more of that later)

[erectionsandtea]

Wow, this post is probably going to end up being a bad idea, because I am currently in the state of exhaustion that is telling me that this post is a good idea, lol

I'm p sure this will be pointless and unnecessary, though

The following post is an analysis, not of any ship or fandom specifically, but about me in relation to a certain ship in a certain fandom (Byler, ST). It's just a something to let my followers know a little bit more about me, and why I think the way I do, why I talk the way I do, in relation to the ship, and why I might try to avoid certain posts (theories, analyses, "proof" type things).

If you start to read this, please finish before interacting with me. I don't want anyone to take anything I write out of context.

Now, I don't know if this should be considered an anti-Byler post, because I'm not saying that I don't ship it...I guess it could be perceived that way, but it's not how I intend it to be. Bylers proceed with caution, as some of this may not be what you want to hear.

Also, I have been called out (for lack of better phrasing) for a possible trigger of calling a gay couple "just best friends" (Byler). The person who told me, said it was because they themselves had personally been in a situation exactly like that before. While I do not personally, fully know what that must be like (not having been in that situation myself, as I recall...), I CAN try to understand, and try to be more sensitive about that subject. So, I guess a trigger warning for...apparently internalized homophobia of calling a gay couple "just best friends" ???

I want to start by saying that I do not view Byler as canon (yet). That doesn't mean I don't think it can become canon, it doesn't mean that I don't ship it at all, because I do (to both of those).

Back when I initially didn't ship Byler at all, it was mostly because Mileven got in the way, lol, but the SECONDARY reason was that I saw a lot of myself and my friendships in them.

Yes, I was one of those people who thought that two same-sex people can be just friends (and I still am, but not specifically with Byler anymore).

I act the same way with my best friends, and I feel I would react the same way Mike did, if what happened to Will happened to one of my bffs. Basically, nothing about Byler specifically stood out to me as "gay". It just looked like a regular very-close friendship to me.

I was in drama and choir in high school. We changed in front of people, I had one friend who would grab my boobs on a daily basis, just because she could (it spawned from a running joke about how big my boobs are, in comparison to my tiny body). I've even seen some of my friends completely nude (and they have seen me). We've held hands. And while most, if not all of us, were somewhere on the rainbow spectrum (as I like to call it), all the things we did, we just did as friends and being friendly. Being queer wasn't exactly a big part of it.

Now, I'm not saying that all drama and choir kids will be the exact same as me. That's just how I ended up, and I think that's why I just see things differently (not saying I'm special by any means, everyone is different).

Anyway, Byler just didn't strike me as gay for each other. I AM of the opinion that Will is absolutely gay, lol, and I think Mike is definitely not straight (although I really don't see hard evidence for either, but I want it to be true). And I think there is absolutely potential for Byler, AND a likelihood for them to become canon.

I have read some Byler theories, and a lot of them make sense, and some pretty good points. Like how Mike keeps staring at Will's lips. On the one hand, I've done that to my friends, when I'm just staring off into space and happen to be looking at their lips, or their boobs, or whatever.

On the other hand, Mike was clearly not staring off into space, lol, he was focused.

But while the analyses and theories do make a lot of sense, that is just how I'm seeing them for now - theories, and analyses (which can neither be wrong nor right, usually). Until we get some hard, concrete proof, which, by my definition, is going to come either straight from the writer's/creator's mouths, or will show up in ST4, I do not consider anything I see from those theories as real proof or evidence.

I also know that it has been pointed out that the Duffers have put in certain details or, for ex., been very selective with certain music choices, or cinematography choices, etc. I totally see that. But you know, sometimes things in a book, movie, or show weren't meant to happen in the first place, and are just coincidences that we, the fans, take and just roll with (like the lip staring thing, for instance). I'm not necessarily saying that I believe everything the theories say are just coincidences (because I don't believe that at all, for some things), I'm just saying there are possibilities.

Another part of why I try to avoid analyses is honestly because I think they make so much sense, and the Mileven shipper in me wants Mileven to stay canon, but the analyses make so much sense that that shipper is afraid they might be right, lol. But that really doesn't have anything to do with this analysis.

I guess the point of this post is just to say that, I should be allowed to think that two same-sex people can be just friends, without being slandered and labeled as homophobic

(Because if you honestly think I am homophobic, I will link you to my Reddie fanfiction and all the other gay ships I ship which probably outnumber the straight ones, lol, I will refer you to my bisexual best friends and my bisexual father, I will even show you photos of myself marching in Pride parades. Plus, I will remind you that I am not at all straight myself.)

because not all same-sex relationships are gay, just like not all opposite-sex relationships are romantic.

THIS IS COMING FROM A BYLER SHIPPER. Just because I do not view them as canon right now doesn't mean that I don't think they will ever become canon. If they do become canon, the Byler shipper in me will be very happy! If they don't, that shipper in me will wish they had. Viewpoints can change. I guess it just takes more to persuade me. I like Byler, I just like Mileven a little bit more. That literally doesn't mean anything. It's nothing more than a preference.

So like, I guess I'm sorry that my life/my upbringing/my relationships and friendships have made me see things differently ?? I'm sorry that I didn't pick up on the same subtext as all of you ???

I'm probably coming off as a rude-ass bitch, but you were bound to find that out about me eventually.

P.S. I know that some of the homophobia comments are directed at shippers who are, very possibly, homophobic. But those comments do not apply to all of us, and we shouldn't be grouped up together just because we have ONE similar opinion (which isn't even based on the same reasoning).

I guess, if you can't accept and respect my opinion that, canonically, Byler is CURRENTLY just best friends (even though I do want them to be more), until we get proof from the source, we might not get along. I am willing to discuss the possibility, and even look at some theories occasionally, on why they might end up canon/together. But until then, it's only speculation to me, and I would appreciate it if I were not attacked for this (although I'm sure they will be).

I do not go around looking for people/posts just so I can tell them they are wrong, I respect everyone's opinion. I hope that the same can be done for me.

Thank you. <3

P.P.S. if this makes any of my Byler followers want to unfollow me, I understand (I will miss you, though)

[vannahfanfics]

A Deidara/Ino (DeiIno) fic with “Zinnia” please. I know it’s a weird ship, but I think their strong personalities go well with the flower.

Hey, Anon! This is a really interesting ship :D The zinnia flower represents a number of things, including endurance, remembrance, and lasting friendship. So, I thought up an AU for the two of them. I hope you enjoy it!

“Hey.” His sky-blue eyes were wide and his expression solemn as he gazed intently at Ino. The rain pelted against the windows, making the street blur into watercolor smudges. Dew still clung to the many potted flowers littered around the shop from where Ino had watered them, and his shoulder-length blond hair and serious expression refracted in each little bead.“You won’t forget me, will you?” 

Ino jolted awake with a snort. Her eyelashes flapped rapidly as she rose unceremoniously into consciousness, eyes hazy and unfocused beneath the thin platinum-blonde fibers. A sliver of drool leaked from her glossed lips to pool under her chin. Growing more lucid by the microsecond, she scowled at the gross, wet sensation of it clinging to her chin and wiped it away with her wrist, then cleaned the drool off onto her sundress. She’d fallen asleep manning the cash register at her parents’ flower shop… again. 

“I just can’t help it,” she mumbled, slouching back over the counter and scooting the metal chair closer so as not to stretch out her back too far. With the pleasant aroma of a hundred flower species wafting on the air spilled down by the ceiling fans combined with the warm sunlight streaming through the many windows, it was nearly impossible not to be lulled into a doze. Ino could already feel her eyelids growing heavy again as she sat there, just staring at the colorful blooms in plastic pots. Yet she didn’t fall asleep, for she was thinking about the blond-haired, bright-eyed boy from her dreams. 

How many years ago was that? Ten, maybe? she wondered with a small frown. A long time ago, for sure. Every summer since she was old enough to carry some semblance of responsibility, Ino had manned the flower shop for her parents when they had to run errands. Of course, back then she had only been eight, so she wasn’t left for more than a few hours at a time… Usually. That particular summer a surprise rainstorm had struck while her parents were out. A mudslide had covered the road back, leaving Ino stranded alone at the flower shop for hours. The cell towers had failed, meaning she had no idea where her parents were or if they were all right. She’d sat in the corner and cried, terrified for both her well-being and that of her parents, until she’d heard a tentative rapping on the door. 

She’d never asked why he’d been wandering the rainstorm by himself; she just let him right in, more desperate to not be alone anymore than to do the right thing. He was wearing a bright duck-yellow raincoat the same shade as his sopping wet blond hair, and his blue eyes shone bright in the flashing lightning. She’d locked the door behind him, chewing her lip and growing shy to be in the presence of a stranger. 

“Are you here by yourself?” he asked her, and she just nodded bashfully. The fear returned, causing tears to prick at the corners of her eyes. “Hey, don’t cry,” he smiled, and Ino fancied it was a nice smile indeed. He reached out with tender hands to thumb her tears away, replacing the salty brine with fresh rainwater. “I’m here now. We’ll weather the storm together.” 

Ino jumped as a loud rumble of thunder snatched her from the embrace of sleep again. She jolted into a sitting position and looked at the rectangular window beside the counter, finding the street veiled by a waterfall stream of rain. The sunlight had faded, choked out by the thick gray storm clouds dumping the deluge of water to earth. She rose from the chair to walk to the window, trying to peer through the thick stream out at the street. She caught snatches of clear images— water puddling in wide rivers over the road, people running into the closest buildings with their jackets held up over their heads, lightning shooting like white snakes through the clouds. 

Wow, what a storm, she thought with pursed lips. She rounded the counter to go to the front door, flipping the sign to “CLOSED” and locking it. No one would come out to buy flowers in this deluge; the wind would rip it to shreds, based on the way it whistled shrilly and rattled the glass. Ino grabbed her cellphone when she came back to the counter, pulling up her mother’s contact information and giving her a call. 

“Hey, Mom. I just wanted to warn you that the weather’s gotten nasty over here. You and Dad should probably stay at the hotel another night.” She scraped the paint off the wood with her manicured nails as her mother’s worried voice buzzed through the other line. “No, no, I’m all right. I’ll wait for it to clear up, and if it doesn’t, I can sleep in the break room,” she said with a smile, trying to alleviate her mother’s worries. “Sure. Yeah, I’m fine, really! There’s food in the break fridge, and I can keep myself busy working on tomorrow’s call-in orders. Yeah, I love you too. Bye.” 

She set the cellphone down on the counter with a small sigh. She tapped her nails against the wood, debating. She could get started on the call-in orders, but… there was something about the rain that lulled her into lethargy. She found her eyes drooping again already. Just a little nap…

She had just plunked down against the counter when she heard it: rapraprap. 

“Huh?” she huffed, arms scrabbling over the counter as she jerked up. Her bleary eyes searched the gloom of the flower shop, watching the light play over the various colored petals and green leaves. The rapping sounded again, and this time she was lucid enough to realize that it was coming from the front door. 

“Jeez, do they not see that we’re closed?” she huffed, pushing herself up from the chair. Her flats went whap-whap-whap against the floor as she walked around the counter towards the door. “Hey! We’re closed!” she shouted while she approached. She jabbed her finger purposefully toward the sign, and the slender man standing there lifted the bottom of his hood to flash her a charming smile. Piercing blue eyes danced beneath a swathe of bright yellow hair, and Ino sucked in a breath. 

“Aw, you won’t even open for an old friend?” 

A heartbeat, then another. Had she strayed into a dream? If it was, it was a shitty thing for her subconscious to do. She stepped closer to the glass, close enough for her breath to fog against the pane. Tentatively, she uttered, “Deidara?”

“The one and only, sweets.”

Her heart fluttered in her chest again. 

“Hey, sweets, you like candy?” he asked, holding out a piece of taffy wrapped in white plastic. She had been sitting at a stool beside some roses for some time, sniffling. She was scared that her parents were out there injured, and she was stuck here. At least she wasn’t alone anymore. She took the taffy with trembling hands and unwrapped it, then popped the pink candy into her mouth. Strawberry. She loved strawberries, and she told him that. 

“I knew it,”he grinned. “Don’t worry, sweets. I’m sure your parents are just fine. I’ll keep you company until you hear from ‘em, okay?” 

The lock clicked when she turned it. The sign rattled lightly against the glass as she slowly eased the door open to peer through the gap. She looked him up and down— it sure looked like him, but damn, he’d grown up to be a looker. Dark gray skinny jeans, spattered with rain, hugged his body in all the right ways. Under his red-and-gray jacket, he wore a muscle tank that left little to the imagination. Ino felt her cheeks flushing as she spied the ridges of his muscles dancing beneath the fabric. 

“You gonna let me in, sweets, or leave me out here in the rain?” Deidara joked, pulling her back to reality. She hurriedly opened the door the rest of the way to allow him in, and he sidled in like he owned the place— just like he had all those years ago. Water squeaked under his sneakers as it gathered against the wood, and when he tossed back his hood to shake out his water-dusted hair, Ino discovered it was nearly as long as hers, tied up into a long ponytail. “I didn’t intend to meetcha like this, but I gotta say, it’s damn ironic,” he smirked as he turned around to face her. Ino hovered in the doorway, wondering if a coincidence like this could truly exist. 

“Yeah,” was all she could think of to say. He gave her a sardonic grin, which made her blush. 

“You’re acting like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

“Well… It feels like I have,” she admitted, clasping her hands behind her back while she twisted her body slowly from side to side. “I never thought I would see you again, and yet, here you are… It’s a bit disorienting, especially considering the circumstances are the same.” 

“Yeah, life is funny like that, huh?” Deidara chuckled. He turned to start investigating the flowers perched on the shelves. He reached up to brush his fingertips over the tiny petals of an orange zinnia flower, a smile playing over his thin lips. “I knew I’d find you still working here… That was your dream, wasn’t it? To take over the flower shop?” 

“Yeah,” she blushed. He remembered… Maybe he’d spent the summers thinking about her just like she’d been thinking about him. “What about you? You wanted to be an artist, right?” 

“An artist?” she’d cooed in delight, and Deidara had puffed out his chest in pride. 

“That’s right! One day, I’m gonna be famous!” However, almost as soon as the confidence had come, it dissolved, and he slumped down into his stool. “But… I’ve been having trouble finding inspiration lately. I want to make things, but I just don’t know what to make.” 

“I get like that sometimes with my flower arrangements.” She’d hopped off the stool to totter over to a half-finished bouquet. She’d poked and prodded at the arrangement, adding accent sprigs and then taking them away. “What do you call it? A muse? You just have to find that, right? When I get stumped, I think about great big fields of flowers…” she hummed, taking a deep breath as she imagined it. “And then suddenly I have the answer!”

He’d stared at her a moment, then laughed. 

“That’s girly.” 

“Yes indeed,” he grinned, dropping his hand and turning back to her. “I’m nothing special, just won a few international awards and sold some million-dollar pieces…” he bragged nonchalantly, brushing raindrops off his jacket. He laughed heartily as Ino’s mouth dropped open in utter shock, prompting him to walk forward and press his palms to her cheeks to squish them a little. “Ah, don’t get all starry-eyed on me, sweets.” 

“I can’t help it!” she slurred through his squishing. “Million-dollar pieces? That’s insane!” He let go of her, leaving her cheeks pink and tingly from his touch. “Can I see them? Surely you have pictures, right?” 

Deidara’s lit up at that, like two blue suns sparkling in the gloom. He practically dove his hand into his pocket to grab his cell phone, which made Ino chuckle. He scooted up next to her so she could see his phone screen, and the scent of his spicy cologne mixing with the rainwater made her head swim a little bit. He cycled through the photographs of his artworks, while Ino half-listened to his explanations, because there was something… 

“Is that… me?” The centerpiece of each work was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. She didn’t want to be narcissistic, but surely that couldn’t be a coincidence too, right? She looked up at Deidara to find a soft, dreamy smile on his face as he gazed gently down at her. 

“Yeah… You remember when I said that I struggled to find inspiration? After we met… You became my muse, Ino.” With a wan sigh, he stowed his phone, and then ran both his hands through his hair. An embarrassed smile played over his mouth, and Ino had to grin, because it was so cute to see him flustered when he’d come in acting all suave. 

“And you’d called it girly,” she teased. 

“I don’t remember that,” he defended in a huff, but she knew he was lying from the blush that spread over his cheeks. “Anyway… I figured it was time I came back here and thanked you.” 

“A cut of your profits would be a very nice thank-you indeed,” she joked, walking over to play with the zinnias. Deidara snorted at that. As she fluffed the flowers, she paid a little less attention to the weather— so when a great big crack of thunder boomed overhead, she couldn’t help but jump and squeal. She felt eight years old again, trapped in this too-small shop while the world seemed to end outside. 

“Still scared of thunderstorms, eh, sweets?” Deidara said softly in her ear. God, when had he snuck up behind her? He had his hands clutching the table on either side of her hips, and his chest just barely brushed against her back. She felt his spicy cologne wafting around her again, and her eyes fluttered as she grew a little hazy. 

“N-no,” she said defensively. “It just surprised me, is all. I’m not a kid anymore.” 

“No,” he murmured, a hand moving in to skim ever-so-lightly over her hip. “No, you aren’t.” He didn’t move further, just played with the edge of her apron— he was waiting for permission. It was like a cheesy romance film; he showed up after ten years, under the same circumstances, saying that she was his muse, and now he was laying the moves on her?

Fuck, how was Ino supposed to refuse? She would be the worst protagonist ever if she did! Besides, she didn’t spend the last ten summers mooning over him for no reason. It had always been in the back of her mind— that fairy tale ending, that one-in-a-million chance, that fantastical daydream she thought would never come true. She looked over her shoulder at him, their breath mixing in the muggy greenhouse air and the rain pounding incessantly above their heads. 

“Why did you come here, Deidara?” she asked in a whisper of a breath. His mouth curled up in a smirk, while his eyes fixed on her own glossy lips. 

“To weather the storm with you,” he answered with a straight face. It didn’t take long for that mischievous lilt to appear on his smile, though. “Aaaaaaaand… Maybe kiss you breathless, if you’re into that.” 

“Why don’t you just kiss me and find out?” she sassed, and her cheek made his eyebrows shoot up his forehead. 

“Not quite so cute and helpless anymore, are you?”

“Afraid not. You’d be surprised how cutthroat the florist business is.” 

He tipped back his head in a raucous laugh, and while he did so, Ino turned around in his arms to face him and rest her palms against his chest. When he finally looked back at her, sighing in amusement, he rested his hands on her hips and twirled the ends of her platinum-blonde hair around his fingertips. Ino fluttered her eyelashes demurely at him— as good an indication as any for him to get on with it.

And get on with it he did. Ino melted into him as he leaned down to brush his lips over hers— softly, tentatively. He rapidly grew in confidence, sweeping her up into a passionate kiss. It felt like their lips slotted together perfectly, like a lock and key, like they’d always belonged together. He really did kiss her breathless, again and again and again, while the rain cascaded down around them. 

“I’m glad you didn’t forget me,” he whispered against her mouth when he finally pulled away. Ino giggled and looked up at him through her lashes. 

“I promised you that I wouldn’t,” she chuckled. “Besides, how could I forget you?”

“I am pretty memorable,” he said with a cocky nod, prompting Ino to thump him playfully on the chest. He purred and wrapped her up in a tight hug, holding her close. “But still… I couldn’t help but worry, just a little bit, that it didn’t mean as much to you as it did to me.” 

Ino didn’t answer, just smiled into his chest. Some things just didn’t need to be said. The rain picked up outside, pounding against the window with a vengeance, but Ino didn’t mind. Once again, she had someone to weather the storm with.

Enjoy this oneshot? Feel free to peruse my Table of Contents!

[purplesurveys]

1185

survey by xflirtykaosx

Alphabetti Spaghetti (3/3)

Please believe. - P

How many pages did the last book you read have? I don’t even remember the last time I opened it; but if I have to guess, it’s probably anywhere between 600–800 pages.

What do you like on your pancakes? Soaked in butter, with peanut butter and maple syrup on the side. My dad will also sometimes mix bacon into the batter, and it always turns out delicious.

Do you like small parties or large parties more? I love going to any kind of party, but I like large ones just a little bit more just because it’s easier to blend in and go unnoticed for the most part. I usually feel pressured at smaller parties.

What was the last exam you passed in? I have no idea. Maybe a history exam? I remember taking a Rizal exam right before the pandemic started and I never got the results for that since classes were canceled shortly after. I’ll never know if I actually passed that test haha.

Do you think paw prints are cute? Yesssssss.

How much would you pay a neighbour to do your lawn? We have someone in the village who does that, and my mom usually gives him a tip of I would guess around ₱100.

Ordinary pens, scented pens, gel pens or felt tip pens? Ordinary. The other ones write horribly.

Are you a people person? I’ve grown to be one over the years. I do like my alone time, but I have the most fun with a person or two or ten around me.

Do you put pepper on your scrambled eggs? No. I never use pepper myself, actually.

Who, except yourself, has the nicest pet? Angela’s, at least one of her dogs are. Hailey is super nice and she doesn’t really care what you do with her hahahaha.

What's your favourite piece of clothing? Right now, probably my IVP sneakers since they’re my newest purchase. Other than that, my mom jeans are always super reliable.

What place have you gone to that you never would again? Police stations that I had to visit to cover stories for my journalism classes. Maybe it’s other people’s passion – and I thought it was mine at one point, too – but once I found myself in places like that I slowly realized that I didn’t have the fire for journalism I once thought I had.

What do others seem to have plenty of and you have little or none? Nice photos of themselves. I’m very camera shy.

Is pink a nice colour, an okay colour or icky? I personally love pink, so.

Give me a description of a great film plotline? ...I don’t feel like it :(( I also haven’t watched/rewatched any films in a while, so my memory is a bit rusty.

What do you have in your pockets? Nothing I’m wearing right now has pockets.

Do you listen to podcasts? Not really. I’m part of the minority that finds podcasts a little boring.

Have you ever played Poker? I’d guess I’ve tried playing it one or two times, but I’ve never understood the rules and I probably just did some random moves when I did try it.

Do you have a pond in your garden? No.

How about a swimming pool? We don’t.

Do you like Poptarts? I loooooove Pop Tarts and I wish we had more flavors here :( and that they weren’t so expensive.

Do you write notes on post-it notes? Sometimes; but lately I’ve mostly just been making to-do lists on my laptop. Writing takes too much time considering how hectic my job is.

Quiet darling, shh. - Q

Do you ever use the word quaint? Very rarely. I never really get into situations where that word would be most fitting to use.

Do you know what quantum physics is? I know of the term from watching The Big Bang Theory, but I don’t know what it refers to.

Are you a quiet or loud person? Depends on the people I’m with, my general mood, and my level of comfort.

Do you usually ask a lot of questions? I never do. I feel like that’s a weakness of mine, too. My mind never wanders too far, and I’m only able to recognize good questions when someone else raises them.

What's your favourite quote from a film? “Rome. By all means, Rome.”

Favourite quote from a song? “Now I’m told this is life, and pain is just a simple compromise so we can get what we want out of it.”

Are you quick witted? In what aspect? Not always; but yeah, I guess it comes out sometimes. I’m pretty good at witty or funny comebacks, especially with people I’m comfortable with.

Do you find the word queer offensive? Er, no?

Roses are Red and Romance is dead. - R

Do you listen to the radio often? I used to, since I once drove to school everyday and I liked having the radio on - especially in the morning, since there was a morning program I was hooked to. But now that I’m at home 24/7, I don’t really tune in anymore; I don’t even have the slightest clue what songs are trending rn.

Do you prefer rain or snow? We only get rain, so.

Have you ever ran into someone and injured you or them due to it? Fortunately no, for both circumstances.

Do you listen to rap music? K-Pop groups always have their own rap sub-unit, so yeah I’ve definitely been more exposed to rap these days.

Do you find pet rats gross or nice? Why? I guess it’s cute when they’re pets, since I’m sure they’re harmless. Not so much when they’re big black filthy rats that are house pests and probably carrying a lot of diseases.

Have you ever been to a rave? No. I’d love to experience it once.

Are you somewhat of a rebel? Nah.

How about reckless? Now this hits the spot more, especially when it comes to money lol

Do you prefer red, black or purple dresses? Black, then red, then purple. I don’t wear a lot of the latter to begin with.

Do you know how to reload a gun? I don’t; I’ve never even held a real gun before.

Do you remember your first best friends Mum's name? I don’t think I ever met her mom. Our friendship was super short-lived and didn’t go beyond preschool.

Do you have a good or a bad reputation? Idk, you’d have to ask other people for this I think.

What song do you request most often on the radio? I’ve never requested a song to radio stations.

Do you prefer rice or tofu? I need rice for literally every meal, otherwise it won’t feel filling. I like tofu too, but I only have it occasionally when it comes with some dishes.

Have you ever held a rifle? Nope.

Do you know a Robert? What's he like? I have an uncle-in-law named Robert. He’s very nice, and super intelligent; he’s from New Zealand but currently lives with my aunt and their family in Vietnam. Since he’s from a different country, he has lots of fun stories and different perspectives to share at family reunions, which makes me always want to sit at whichever table he’s at so that I can be part of interesting conversations.

Do you like rollercoasters? No.

Been to Rome, Italy? Nope.

Are Roses your favourite flower? They’re one of them.

So sweetheart, lets fan. - S

Do you feel safe in your neighbourhood? Yeah, I mean that’s kind of the whole point in living in a gated village. I’d be pretty alarmed if I ever hear of a crime happening here.

Whose the Patron Saint of your Country? St. Lorenzo Ruiz. I actually didn’t know that for a fact, so thanks for the Google search and impromptu lesson!

Do you put salt on your fries? Yessssssss, I need my fries to be very salty. Unless it was already seasoned with something else, I’d find it boring if it wasn’t salty enough.

Do you think we are all born the same? In some ways, yes; in some ways, no. I know everyone is born as humans worthy of love and respect, but when it comes to factors like privilege then that’s when circumstances start to get all different.

When did you stop believing in Santa? I never bought it. I used to always get frustrated that I was never allowed to meet Santa (none of my relatives ever played as him), and that he apparently just likes to leave gifts at midnight. Not seeing a Santa made me doubt and eventually I just kinda stopped buying it by the time I was like 5.

Do you think the name Sarah is pretty? Erm, it’s fine but I find it a little common.

Is Saturday your favourite day of the week? Fridays are, but Saturdays are a very close second.

Have you ever watched Saved By The Bell? Opinions? Nope.

What about the Saw films? Opinion? I haven’t, but I know they’re my eldest cousin’s favorite so it must be a good series.

Are you easily scared? In certain ways. I hate jumpscares for one, and I easily get offended by them.

What's your secondary language, if any? English.

Name all the things you can see from where you're sitting? The entirety of my bedroom.

What's the last sentence you spoke out loud? “JAY KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY”

Have you changed your default settings on your computer? Some of them just to change some aspects of the appearance, but I didn’t do a complete overhaul.

What year did you turn seven in? 2005.

How important is sex in a relationship how important is sex from 1-10? For me, probably like a 3 or 4.

What is your favourite shade of blue? Sky or royal.

Shade of Purple? BTS purple, I guess? Hahaha.

Favourite shape? I don’t have one.

Do you know a girl called Sharon? Nope.

How about Shari? Nope.

Do you shave your arms, legs, pubic hair and/or somewhere else? I shave, but not all of these areas.

When was the last time you were sick? May 2020 was the last time I felt like death.

What's the worst side effects you've had due to a medication? I’ve never gone through side effects from a medication.

What does your signature look like? A very lazy scribble of the first and last letters of my whole name.

Do you like silk? What do you own that is silk? It’s okay, but I never actively search for it. I have one set of silk pajamas but that’s it.

Do you sip or drink hot drinks fast? As much as possible I don’t like getting in contact with hot beverages. I wait for them to cool down considerably before I take my first sip.

How about with alcohol? Sure, I like to take them fast so that I don’t feel the nasty burn on my tongue.

Do you have sisters? How many, what ages and what're they called? Nina is turning 21 this year.

Is your grandmother older than sixty five? Both of them are, yeah.

Do you slam doors often? Nope.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face? For what reason? Yes. Because he had slapped me first. I was in so much shock that my first and only instinct was to hit back.

Do you snack a lot or just eat big meals? I like letting myself go hungry then reward myself with a very generous serving to eat in one go.

Do you smile more often, or frown? Smile.

Are you wearing socks? No, I haven’t worn any in a while.

Do you say sorry too often? Yes.

What's a sound that always soothes you? This. I always play it before turning in, or when I need to calm down.

Do you carry a lot of spare change? How much is on you now? Not so much anymore, since I’ve been increasingly going cashless.

Do you own a swimsuit of the Speedo brand? I don’t think so.

Do you like sunflowers? They have a personal meaning to me, so yes. It’s not my ultra favorite, though.

[goldenpctals]

TRUTH BOOTH, clyde edition 

GENERAL QUESTIONS

1. Please state your full name: Clyde Ephraim Aarons  2. Does your name(s) have any kind of meaning? If so, what is it? I was named after Bonnie & Clyde. My parents were police officers at the time. And Ephraim means ‘being fruitful’. I’m not really sure why my parents gave me that speficic name 3. Do you have any nicknames? Not that I know of. Other than in bed.  4. Where were you born? And in which country? Holmes Chapel, United Kingdom 5. What is your date of birth? May 5, 1996  6. Of course, the following question; what is your Zodiac sign? My zodiac sign is Taurus 7. Do you believe in Zodiac signs? Not really. It does not make any sense to me?  8. Where do you live? Violet Springs, United Kingdom 9. What is your home situation like? (ex. do you live with your family? Your partner etc.?) I live together with my wife and dogs. We have our own apartment 10. Do you have any siblings? No, I’m an only child 11. Do you have any kind of allergies? I do not have any allergies  12. Do you own any pets? If so, what kind of pets are they? My wife has a couple of dogs 13. Why did you apply to St Jude’s? The reason why I applied is because I’d like to persue a career in performing and making music. I love standing infront of a crowd and sharing my passion and story with others, through songs  14. Did you had to go through a lot audition rounds? I was accepted after 1 round  15. What is the current course you’re following? Music. Focused on songwriting 16. If you can switch courses, which one would you switch to and why? Maybe acting? Acting would be pretty interesting?  17. What is your proudest project you’ve done? Fine Line. Especially Treat People With Kindness 18. What is the proudest project that someone’s else has done? Soraya’s latest album, Romance is one of my favorites. Or also Holy by Dallas, such a beautiful song and raw 19. Do you like FanCons? I absolutely love ‘em 20. What do you like about FanCons? Personal interactions with fans  21. What don’t you like about FanCons? Since there are so many of them, I’m not able to meet them all. So, it upsets me that some fans are not able to meet their idols  22. A fan memory that always stuck with you? Can be positive or negative. When I gave away tour tickets to some of the fans. An act of my love towards them  23. Your favorite event so far? I love all the events. The ones that are a bit weird to me are the ones where you have to switch partners? I’m very loyal and to me, it’s odd  24. What kind of event would you like to see in the future? More fundraising concerts 25. Would you recommend St Jude’s to friends, family. etc? Definitely! 

PERSONALITY QUESTIONS

26. What are your positive traits? Ambitious, steady and loving. I think? 27. What are you negative traits? I think that one of my negative traits that I can be over-protective in some kind of way 28. What would other people describe you as? Ask the others? I have no idea 29. What are your pet peeves? People who think that / I / talk slow 30. What makes you happy? Happiness  31. What makes you upset? Bringing up past experiences  32. What is something you love? Performing. Besides my wife, it’s my biggest love and I really don’t want to be do doing anything else 33. What is something you dislike? Disloyalty. Or being vague 34. What are you strengths? How much I’ve grown the last year? I’ve grown a lot and I consider myself strong in any kind of aspect  35. What are you weaknesses? Opening up too much and being scared that people will leave me. I’ve been left alone many times before  36. A misconception people often think of you? That I’m probably still a d*ck 37. Do you have any fears? Death scares me 38. What scares you the most? Death 39. What do you do to entertain yourself? Go for a jog or walk, write music, read a book 40. What is your MBTI? ENFP, I think?  41. How do you deal with stress? Talk to my wife about it. It helps a lot  42. Are you a determined person? Are you a stubborn person? Determind 43. Do you consider yourself selfish? When I have to, yes. It’s important to think about yourself, no matter what others think in that moment  44. Would you like to be different? No. I’m very happy with who I am now 45. Are you more introverted (focused on your inner world) or more extraverted (focused on other people and the outer world)? Extrovert 

ROMANCE QUESTIONS

46. What is your sexual orientation? I consider myself as pansexual 47. Current relationship status? I’m married to Poppy Murry, who is also now known as Aarons. We married in Hawaii in 2020. It’s a priveledge to be married to her  48. When was your first kiss? Probably around 12/13 49. Do you remember your first date? If so, with who was it? What did you do? No idea. Probably snuck out of the house and went to a party? For goodness sake.. 50. Have you ever experienced heart-break? I have  51. Have you ever been in love? (If yes, skip to question 53) I currently am, and yes I have 52. If no, how so? n/a 53. How do you know when you’re in love? When home becomes a person 54. What would be your ideal date? It would be old-fashioned. I love exploring new places and get to know other cultures more 55. What is your perspective on marriage? From a married man’s perspective, it’s wonderful. However, my advice is to not rush into marriage. Divorce is awful. Only marry when the both of you a one hunderd percent commited  56. (only for non-virgins) Are you a sub, dom or switch? Dom. Sometimes a switch 57. What do you think of relationships? When you find the right person, everything just clicks 58. What do you think of one-night stands? In my past, I used to see women a lot. However, now, I’m a loyal man. I don’t do that anymore 59. Are you still a virgin? No, I’m not 60. Most attractive trait in a different person? Be yourself. Don’t put up a facade just to impress someone. Be you 61. What matters most to you when it comes to a relationship? Commitment and equality. It’s important to, whenever you’re both have different views, to find a middle ground 62. Are you comfortable with PDA? Or would you be comfortable with PDA? I love to show off Poppy. So, yes, I’d say that I’m comfortable with PDA 63. Are you more of a type to be asked out or the type to ask the other out? I’d a charmeur, of course I’m the one who asks you out 64. How do you express love to the other? In music and loyalty. All of my feelings are expressed into my songs. I’m pretty much an open book, nowadays  65. Who is your celebrity crush? Jennifer Anniston

GETTING DEEP QUESTIONS

66. Do you regret anything? Yes, a lot 67. Is there something you woule like to re-do? So, start all over again? If I could rewind to my past and do things differently, I would. I have hurted a lot of people and thinking back to it, pains me. I’m sorry to all the ones that faced me and my troubled mind 68. What is something you would never share with anyone? What really happened on the night that my parents were taken from me 69. When was the last time you cried? Why did you cry? I’m not really a crier? If there is something on my mind, I don’t hold it back and I immediately go to my wife or father-in-law to talk about it 70. Most memorable event that happened in your time in St Judes? This could be anything: My time in One Direction is something I’m always grateful for 71. One thing you wish you could do all over? Once again, my past 72. Someone you miss? Elliot. He’s my best friend. I miss my pal 73. Something you wish you could forget? Anything that happened in my first couple of years of St Judes  74. Who has the biggest impact on you? Poppy 75. What is your perspective on love? Is it beautiful? Does it scare you? It used to scare me. But surrounding myself with positive people has helped me a lot  76. What has hurt you in the past that you don’t want others to go through? Losing a parent, or both of them  77. What is something you have gained, something you have lost and something you let go of during the past year? Something I gained? Confidence, happiness and success. Something that I have lost? Attitude. Something I let go of during the past year? Not to worry so much what people think 78. Have you ever lost a friend? do you wish you would still be friends? No 79. Do you have any triggers? What is the history behind these triggers and are they related to any disorders or mental illnesses? Not really. I used to struggle with a pain killer addiction a couple of years ago, and also had anger / violence issues. I went to therpay for this and it’s been years since I’ve ever become so angry.  80. If you could meet your 16 year old self, what would tell them? Well, little Clyde, this is the start of a huge journey for you. Life isn’t going into the direction the way you want it to go and along the way, you lose the two biggest loves of your lifes, your parents, who will be taken from you during a robbery. You are going to find yourself in a deep and dark place that you won’t be able to get out of. Drugs will numb you. Alcohol will help. However, there are people who really care about you and no matter what, you’re going to be ok

RANDOM QUESTION ROUND

81. Summer or Winter? Summer 82. Cats or dogs? Dogs 83. Beach or mountains? Both, I love both  84. Phone calls or texting? Texting  85. Have you ever skipped class? No

[yeaahishowedupatyourparty]

Zara’s Truth Booth.♥️ You can read this as OOC or an IC interview, I really don’t mind!

GENERAL QUESTIONS 1. Please state your full name: “Zara Belle Calloway.”
2. Does your name(s) have any kind of meaning? If so, what is it?: “I’ve literally never asked and I doubt there’s much thought behind it. By the fourth child, you probably just pick a page in the baby name book and go with it.” 
3. Do you have any nicknames?: “No - I refuse to accept Zar or Z.” 
4. Where were you born? And in which country?: “I was born in South Kensington, London…England.”
5. What is your date of birth?: “13th of December 2001.” 
6. Of course, the following question; what is your Zodiac sign? “Sagittarius.” 
7. Do you believe in Zodiac signs? “I think so? I relate more to my moon sigh, though - a Cancer.”
8. Where do you live? “Lilac Heights…Violet Springs. In the most beautiful house. I love it.”
9. What is your home situation like? (ex. do you live with your family? Your partner etc.?) “I live in my own house, most of the time. Sometimes with Danny, sometimes without - hopefully more with in the future. I do go back to the hotel sometimes too, in London. Not as much.” 
10. Do you have any siblings? “Three older sisters…Yeah.” 
11. Do you have any kind of allergies? “Fish, which is just as well. I don’t like it.” 
12. Do you own any pets? If so, what kind of pets are they? “I have two dogs; Pumpkin and Tank.”
13. Why did you apply to St Jude’s? “To build up my career, I guess.”
14. Did you had to go through a lot audition rounds? “Not really. I already had three sisters here and also a lot of work I’d done myself by the time I got to eighteen. I did one round of auditions which I’m proud of.” 
15. What is the current course you’re following? “Acting and Directing.” 
16. If you can switch courses, which one would you switch to and why? “I wouldn’t, I’m fully dedicated to this career I have now.” 
17. What is your proudest project you’ve done? “Euphoria, easily. I wrote it, I directed every episode, I casted it, I bought it all to life and helped develop the characters. It will always be my baby and I’m so happy with how it was received.” 
18. What is the proudest project that someone’s else has done? “Singular Act I. That’s my baby…Or Little Women, that’s my other baby.”
19. Do you like FanCons? “I love FanCons.”
20. What do you like about FanCons? “Meeting the fans! It never gets old and they’re always so enthusiastic and kind. It reminds me how lucky I am, for sure. There’re some I know by name now and I’m more excited to see them than them me.” 
21. What don’t you like about FanCons? “The competition? Does that make sense. It shouldn’t matter who loves who more…I feel like on the fans part it can get quite aggressive when really they’re all there for the same reason.” 
22. A fan memory that always stuck with you? Can be positive or negative. “I feel like I’ve been put on the spot! I don’t know…” 
23. Your favorite event so far? “I loved the Summer FanCon Tour. That was so amazing.” 
24. What kind of event would you like to see in the future? “More events where we get to be silly - fundraisers and challenges. Sometimes it gets too competitive or serious with the award based ones, or talent based ones.” 
25. Would you recommend St Jude’s to friends, family. etc? “For sure.” PERSONALITY QUESTIONS 26. What are your positive traits? “I hate this question, don’t make me answer that.”
27. What are you negative traits? “I’m probably a little too hot-headed and emotional.”
28. What would other people describe you as? “…I don’t know.”
29. What are your pet peeves? “Being spoken to like an idiot, or like I don’t understand things. I’m not silly or incapable at all.” 
30. What makes you happy? “My friends.”
31. What makes you upset? “Oh, anything! But mainly seeing people down on themselves.”
32. What is something you love? “When somebody is so comfortable with you, that they open up and talk about all of their passions. I love when people are talking about what they love in general.”
33. What is something you dislike? “People who behave like they’ve never made a mistake and don’t let others move on from theirs.”
34. What are you strengths? “Again, I hate answering questions like this…Maybe that I’m good at - eventually - admitting when I’m wrong? Or, a good listener?” 
35. What are you weaknesses? “Anything with chocolate on or in it. I’m a simple person.”
36. A misconception people often think of you? “I know a lot of people think that I’m maybe like, how do I put it nicely? A home-wrecker…or, promiscuous, I guess? I’m not. I’ve had maybe 3 boyfriends in my whole life and I’m 20.” 
37. Do you have any fears? “I’m really scared of being alone - like literally and on a deeper level.”
38. What scares you the most? “Deep open water. Yikes.” 
39. What do you do to entertain yourself? “I don’t - I seek out the closest person to annoy until they entertain me.”
40. What is your MBTI? “I’m an INFJ. Most people are shocked at the I part.” 
41. How do you deal with stress? “Cry. Or eat. Or both.” 
42. Are you a determined person? Are you a stubborn person? “To an extent, I’d say so.”
43. Do you consider yourself selfish? “No…”
44. Would you like to be different? “I guess so…Sometimes I wish I was more likeable because I get the sense people aren’t that fond of me.” 
45. Are you more introverted (focused on your inner world) or more extraverted (focused on other people and the outer world)? “Introverted.” ROMANCE QUESTIONS 46. What is your sexual orientation? “I’m bisexual.”
47. Current relationship status? “Taken…Happily.”
48. When was your first kiss? “It was for a random television series and I was like 14. My first real kiss though was only a year and a bit ago.”
49. Do you remember your first date? If so, with who was it? What did you do? “I don’t remember it. Oops.” 
50. Have you ever experienced heart-break? “Yes. Not necessarily through a break-up.” 
51. Have you ever been in love? (If yes, skip to question 53) “Yes.” 
52. If no, how so? 
53. How do you know when you’re in love? “For me, everything becomes about that person. Even songs that I listened to long before I knew someone, or films I watched way before I knew they existed, I manage to tie everything back to one specific person. And, I’m definitely not a subtle person either - I think if I’m in love with someone, they’ll know before I do if they’re observant.”
54. What would be your ideal date? “I always feel like it’s more a question of who; I’d rather do something really simple like staying at home, cooking and watching a movie with someone I’m really comfortable with and like…Instead of going somewhere really extravagant with somebody I know who’ll make me uncomfortable.” 
55. What is your perspective on marriage? “It’s not the ultimate declaration of love. There are plenty of married people who aren’t in love anymore…And if you look into the roots of it, it’s kind of…messed up? I don’t know. It’s nice but not necessary.” 
56. (only for non-virgins) Are you a sub, dom or switch? “…I feel like I can switch it up. It depends on whatever the person I’m with prefers?”
57. What do you think of relationships? “I’m conflicted because there is so much more to life, but I’m not anti-relationship, obviously. I feel like they’d be better and more enjoyable if there wasn’t such a pressure on people to have been in a relationship before a certain age. If you’ve not found the one at 55, why is that so bad?” 
58. What do you think of one-night stands? “I’ve had them. They’re not for everyone, though.”
59. Are you still a virgin? “No.” 
60. Most attractive trait in a different person? “Patience. Especially if I’m talking about specifically attractive to me - I tend to jump to conclusions and get sad or mad or annoyed really quickly. So, people who bear with me, that’s attractive.”
61. What matters most to you when it comes to a relationship? “Genuine chemistry. As soon as that goes, nothing else really matters. Like, if there’s no chemistry for one person but loyalty is there - it almost feels like a job.” 
62. Are you comfortable with PDA? Or would you be comfortable with PDA? “Yeah.” 
63. Are you more of a type to be asked out or the type to ask the other out? “A bit of both. I think I’m probably bold enough to ask people out but it is nice to be asked.”
64. How do you express love to the other? “Pay attention to what they say, make sure they’re happy, tell them everything…Kiss them, cling on to them…Become painfully annoying until they can’t stand it. It’s a cycle.” 
65. Who is your celebrity crush? “Danny. My boyfriend. I don’t even care that it’s the cliche answer, haha.” GETTING DEEP QUESTIONS 66. Do you regret anything? “…Yes.”
67. Is there something you woule like to re-do? So, start all over again? “Yes.”
68. What is something you would never share with anyone? “For sure…I’m uncomfortable!” 
69. When was the last time you cried? Why did you cry? “…I’m trying to think, maybe a week ago or so? I just felt down and missed somebody.”
70. Most memorable event that happened in your time in St Judes? This could be anything: “That’s really tricky! I’m not sure, to be honest. I wasn’t here when all of the crazy stuff went down, like the cruise ship? I’m really unsure.”
71. One thing you wish you could do all over? “My childhood…but with my 20 year old mind.”
72. Someone you miss? “I’d rather not.” 
73. Something you wish you could forget? “I don’t like these questions.” 
74. Who has the biggest impact on you? “Probably my family - not necessarily in a good way.”
75. What is your perspective on love? Is it beautiful? Does it scare you? “It’s beautiful and being loved is the best feeling in the world, I’d be lying if I said I don’t crave it.” 
76. What has hurt you in the past that you don’t want others to go through? “Losing somebody that is like, your other half. Or actually, losing somebody you really love without much explanation at all. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”
77. What is something you have gained, something you have lost and something you let go of during the past year? “I’ve gained…more self-esteem, I’ve lost a lot of time I’m not going to get back - I think and I’ve let go of some trust issues, I think.”
78. Have you ever lost a friend? do you wish you would still be friends? “I have. I lost a friend because she dated my ex after claiming they were just friends - I don’t because it hurt and all she had to do was be honest.”
79. Do you have any triggers? What is the history behind these triggers and are they related to any disorders or mental illnesses? “I don’t think that’s appropriate.” 
80. If you could meet your 16 year old self, what would tell them? “That things do pass..They don’t necessarily get better or easier, but they pass and you learn to deal with things in a more productive way. I’d also hug her - tight.” RANDOM QUESTION ROUND 81. Summer or Winter? “Summer’s weather but winter’s overall vibe and celebrations.”
82. Cats or dogs? “Dogs, sorry.” 
83. Beach or mountains? “The beach.” 
84. Phone calls or texting? “Facetime. I’m that friend.” 
85. Have you ever skipped class? “Yes.”

[catholicartistsnyc]

Meet CA-based Screenwriter Rebecca Christian

REBECCA CHRISTIAN is a screenwriter and filmmaker based in San Diego, CA.  To contact her, email rebeccaechristian [at] gmail [dot] com, or visit her forthcoming website at www.rebeccachristian.com.

Check out her pilot for NO NERDS HERE, a mockumentary web series following the exploits of three former "Mighty Rangers" as they attend a weekend fan convention.

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION: Where are you from originally, and what brought you to your current city?

REBECCA: I was born and raised in San Diego. I went to film school at Loyola Marymount University and bounce back and forth between here and LA as needed. I was actually planning to move back to LA this year, and then the pandemic hit and I decided to remain in my hometown with my family for the foreseeable future. 

How do understand your vocation as a Catholic artist?

I don't think of myself as a "Catholic writer" in the sense that I desire to be in held in some sort of esteem within the respectable Catholic canon (i.e. Tolkien, Chesterton, O'Connor, etc). However, I do acknowledge how my faith is the foundation of how I understand the world in my sense of right and wrong, the need for redemption and the possibility of it. I always want my work to have a sense of hope in the immutable Christian sense, even if what I'm writing is darker in nature. I do think "Catholic art" should be life-giving, whatever that means to the particular artist.

Where have you found support in the Church for your vocation as an artist?

I used to be active on the core team of Catholic Underground LA, which was an apostolate of the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal dedicated to showcasing art of all kinds. I joined when I was still in college, and it was really formational for me at the time when I was still nascent in my reversion to be around actors, writers, musicians, etc. who were all trying to express themselves and grow in their faith.

Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith?

I have a love/hate relationship with social media, but I've met and built friendships with several Catholic artists through it. 

How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

Expanding what is considered "Catholic art" in the first place. I'm thinking of the lack of acknowledgement of a titan like Toni Morrison, who was a convert and whose exploration of humanity and suffering was certainly Catholic, and hang my head in shame about how her legacy has not been celebrated within Catholic circles.

How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

This is always an interesting question to me because I've never really faced ridicule as a person of faith in artistic circles. I think it's because I'm Black and a woman, so people express more of a curiosity about how someone like me could possibly believe in anything "traditional." I've had some wonderful conversations with people, and generally speaking I think artists are far more open to having these sorts of conversations than Catholics are, to be honest.  

Where in your city do you regularly find spiritual fulfillment?

I have a regular practice of going to adoration in a little 24-hr chapel near my house, which I've been unable to go to since the pandemic. It's been really hard for me in a certain sense, but my Lenten sacrifice this year was praying the Liturgy of the Hours throughout the day and maintaining that has been really helpful. I'm a member at St. Anne's, which is an FSSP parish saying the Extraordinary Form of the mass in San Diego. I'm not super involved in parish life anymore due large in part to my work schedule, but I used to host a women's group and occasionally get that group together again for brunch. 

Where do you go to get inspired?

I'm in a number of writing classes/groups online.

How have you found or built community as a Catholic artist in your city?

I haven't really done this specifically in SD but I probably should.

What is your daily spiritual practice?

At the moment, it's Liturgy of the Hours + a regular habit of yoga and meditation.

What is your daily artistic practice? And what are your recommendations to other artists for practicing their craft daily?

I try to write every day, even if it's just free writing. It's been difficult to keep up with during the pandemic, but I've finally found my groove again in the last couple of months. I'm not the type of writer that can wait for inspiration, or else I would never get anything completed, so if that sounds like you I'd recommend putting aside time daily to work on your craft. 

Describe a recent day in which you were most completely living out your vocation as an artist.

I developed a short film script with a production company earlier this year that featured a religious sister as a one of the main characters. The script's themes weren't religious at all, she was just one of the characters. It was interesting getting notes and feedback in the vein of, "Would a nun do that? Would a nun be friends with this other character?" It was clear that the producers had never really interacted with religious sisters before, and I had to gently explain that well, religious people are actually people too. They have friends, hobbies, needs, wants, and desires. It was comical for me to watch them assimilate that information throughout the development process, and I'm glad I was able to evangelize if even just a tiny bit.

How do you afford housing as an artist?

I rent a house with my mom in SD and when I come to LA for meetings I usually stay with friends. There are Catholic groups on FB to find roommates, couches, etc. I highly recommend using social media to find non-crazy roommates if and when you move.

How do you financially support yourself as an artist?

Some background on this -- I just started writing again in 2019 after taking about 3 years away from the industry entirely. I have a "day job" in the form of my doula practice. I really love it, and it allows me to build my schedule out to accommodate projects. I took an entire month off this year to finish a script that is currently in the final round of contention at the Sundance Development Track. There's a growing number of fellowships and paid development programs for screenwriters. Twitter is a great place for screenwriters (and other writers) to network. I don't have a manager currently (that's next on my list), but I've booked meetings and had my work read purely from networking there. There's no magic bullet, but putting yourself out there has been fruitful for me, and despite the changes in the industry being inflicted by the pandemic, I'm really excited about 2021.

What other practical resources would you recommend to a Catholic artist living in your city?

I really believe strongly in cultivating practices of self-care and spirituality. You can't pour out into your work if nothing is filling you up.

What are your top 3 pieces of advice for Catholic artists post-graduation?

Realize that "success" is going to take some time. Find your worth in who God says you are, not in what you do. Be genuinely kind to people and remember to network laterally! (Not just with people "higher up" that you admire.)

[lifebeginsbyleaving]

Hurt me now or Save me

This story is for the sterek week prompt lyrics and quotes. There are two songs for this oneshot.

Hurt me now, by Quinn Lewis is from Stiles POV and his side of things.

 Save me, by Noah Kahan is Derek's POV/ internal feelings.

If you can I would recommend listening to them first then while reading.

Thanks! Hope you like it.

                                   Carter☺

"Stiles- Stiles just STOP!"

Stiles' flurry of movement and rush of words stopped. There was a distance between them this time that felt different, insurmountable.

Derek looked like speaking pained him. "Just stop. You're too loud. I'm tired of this. Stiles we're nothing. This is nothing, it has always been nothing-"

"Der how can you sa-"

His objection only served to make Derek more determined. "You're nothing to me."

Stiles' adamancy disappeared to be slapped with a look of broken betrayal and sorrow.

Stiles' eyebrows were furrowed in pain and Derek's were wide with a look of shock, unbelieving in the hurt he inflicted.

Stiles' mouth gaped and his voice shook. "I- I- I'm nothing? In all our fights I've been annoying, inconvenient, a bastard, a shit, intolerable, an asshole, but I have never, ever, been nothing to you. But maybe that is what I am. Maybe I'm just wasting my time. Maybe I've wasted all this time confusing you not wanting to be saved for really not worth being saved. I wanted to believe it so bad. That you could love me, but you can't, can you?" He felt his stomach drop out as he went to turn away.

Derek caught his arm. "Wait. That's not- I didn't- I didn't mean it like that."

"No, no it's okay." He had a bitter smile on his face. "I know I've already hit the ground. Come on Derek, don't pull any punches. I already know. You said we should just let it go." Stiles snatched his arm back.

Derek remembered void Stiles having more emotion in his eyes than he did now.

Derek desperately grabbed for his hand, but again Stiles pulled away.

"I'm nothing." He nodded his head minutely. "Okay. Consider this me letting it go."

"Fuck Stiles don't leave. I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make things worse. Please just stop!"

Stiles didn't even flinch at him shouting as he grabbed his keys of the counter.

Tears blurred his vision as he drove. He was turning corners sharp and fast. It always ended like this when Stiles was holding out for something that would never come, but maybe it should actually end this time. A plume of smoke from the engine had him pulling over. He punched the wheel once he was stopped. "God! Why does every thing I love break down!" He dropped his head against the wheel. As he sobbed his mind forced all the memories from their fights to be replayed.

****************************

"Don't be a dumbass Stiles!"

Stiles looked around at the pack with a look of incredibility. "Me?! I'm being a dumbass?! No. No sir. That would be the stupidwolf that thinks he can run out of the blast radius in less than three seconds! I don't care if you're Barry fucking Allen you aren't getting out of there before you get blown to bits! And I will not le-"

"You won't let me what? You Stiles Stilinski what exactly won't you let me do? We aren't debating why you won't let me go, I'm asking how you think you could stop me?"

"We both know I am more than able to stop you."

Lydia's eyes shifted swiftly from one to the other with an edge of uncomfort. "Alright boys you're both special. Now can we please calm down.

Derek scoffed haughtily eyes not even leaving Stiles'. "You mean your little sparklers Deaton lets you set off time to time?"

Stiles' eyes glowed a bright purple as he snarled more wild than any wolf. His fingers twitched as he spat his words. "I'm not afraid of you anymore. Let's go sourwolf. Let's see if you've gotten any immunity to electricity." Threatening purple sparks flickered off his hands. "Oh wait, no. We both know you don't. Still why don't we try. From what you've told me it sounds like fun. She had fun with you didn't she?" Stiles took a threatening step forward.

It was like all the air got sucked out of the room. They all knew he went to far. There was no taking that back. There was no easy way to unthaw the chilling defensive look Derek gave him.

Scott jumped in between them and locked eyes with Stiles. "Enough. Calm down." Derek growled. He looked to Derek. "Both of you."

Stiles was almost always the last one out from a pack meeting except for Isaac, but it still shocked Scott as everyone trickled out how he remained.

"Hey dude do you want to come over to my place to hang out?"

"That sounds good bud. I'll meet you there later."

Scott frowned. "No I was thinking now." Scott let his eyes very obviously drift towards the kitchen where Derek was.

"No I'm cool bro. Go get everything set up. I'll be there." Stiles patted his chest.

"Stiles he might need some time. You shou-"

"I know what I should do. Do you? I'm really cool dude. Go." He spoke with only a fraction of the edge he had before, but Scott still felt the sharpness in his voice.

Scott reluctantly headed out. "Call if yo-"

"I know."

There was silence for several minutes.

"Did you just Solo Scott?" Derek spoke walking into the kitchen drying his hands on a towel.

"He deserved it."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "No he didn't." He put the towel around his neck.

"No he didn't." His eyes met Derek's pleadingly. "No he didn't. I'm sorry."

Derek shrugged. "He didn't, but I did."

Stiles looked remorseful as he shook his head. "No you didn't."

He smiled. "It's okay. Anyways come help me with dinner."

Stiles grabbed his hand and he turned back. "Hey you need to quit this habit of shutting me out. Let me in."

Stiles stared into Derek's eyes with an intense searching look.

"Derek, you didn't deserve that." Stiles grabbed one side of the towel with each hand and pulled his head down. He rested their foreheads together. "I used what I knew about your past against you, to hurt you, to torture you just like she did, and that was not okay. That was horrible of me and I'm sorry. You did not deserve that."

"Okay."

"Do you actually believe that? Do you actually see what I do?"

He huffed. "To be honest? I don't know. I don't know if I believe it. I don't know why you bother. Why do you try and save me when I have only made things worse for you? And sometimes I wonder 'Am I being selfish?' Because when you say things like that to me I don't care. I don't care if I'm worth it."

Stiles intertwined their hands. "Believe it. I bother because you don't always make things worse for me. You can make them so much better. You are worth it."

***

"Stiles you need to leave me. Go. Figure a way out I know you can."

"You bet your ass I can. I'm going to figure a way out for both of us."

"No Stiles just go. It's okay I deserve this. Remember how angry you are at me? I left with out you. I did this to myself. I keep ignoring you. I keep leaving you and the pack. I deserve this."

"What?! Derek oh my god, I'm a moron! No, that's not what I meant. You don't! I just- I was angry. I didn't mean what I said.  And I'm not leaving you so don't waste your energy."

Derek would need all of it. Attached to his legs was a weight and in the numbing water of the lake they were trapped in by a magical ice dome, they were freezing. Stiles arrived and blasted through the ice as Derek was drifting down once again. He was getting too tired from having to swim up while being pulled down. The water was so frozen it felt like icicles stabbing into his flesh. He was tired of fighting. He had just made things worse with the Asle fae.

"Stiles u-use your agic like you did to g-get in. Get o-ou go. Don't b-b-bother. Let m-me go."

"Uggh can yo-ou just shut up. I'm trying to think. I'm never going to stop saving you, so a little help would be appreci-ciated. Besides it was a one way trip. The only way I'm g-getting through that ice is if so-someone lets us out or if you break u-u-us out."

"W-what? You're so sup-pid! Why ould y-you do that?"

Stiles was sick of this fight. They've had it so many times. "Because you're pack, and that means no matter how w-worthless you think you are if you're dr-drowning in a lake I'll always reach for y-your hand dum-m-mbass."

Derek was too tired and cold to argue. "Why can't you j-just bur-rst through ag-gain?" Stiles could hear Derek's teeth clattering together, or was that the echo of his own? He couldn't tell and he was just so cold.

"Because I had heat out there. My magic n-needs balance, but it needs at least a spark of something to balance against. I can't create someth-thing out of nothing I just f-fan the flickers into flames and w-weaken the flames to flickers to even out or manipulate the balance. And I don't kn-know if you'v-ve notic-ced, but n-no heat h-h-here."

Derek passed out and in the quiet he heard the muffled roars of the Asle.

Stiles kept shaking him and clutching him close to his chest trying to wake him up. "D-d-d-der jus-st wake u-up!"

"Sti-Stiless I-I I um itz c-c-col. I'm ir-ired"

"Hey! H-hey. No. N-no, don-n't d-do this. Pleasse just hang o-on." Stiles was also shivering, but his shakey hand gripped Derek's. "We-e need to ju-ju-st hang on t-t-till the pack fi-finds us."

"Ake i-ine."

"Wh-what? D-d-d-derek! W-wake up!"

Derek woke back groggily. "T-take m-m-m-m-my he-heat. T-take M-m-ine."

Derek blacked out and then he woke up on a table at Deaton's with a gasp. "Stiles!" He looked around wildly at the concerned faces of his pack. Well, some of, Scott, Lydia, Erica, and Stiles were all missing.

Derek spoke with a broken voice. "No." Derek shook his head. "Where is he? Please." Derek looked pathetic, like he would do anything in the world to get the right answer. "Please!"

Deaton's calming voice spoke. "Derek calm down. You were out for six hours, but your body isn't still at a hundred percent. Don't stress yourself."

He shouted again. "Where is Stiles!"

The icicles that were assaulting Derek's legs earlier turned to vines of thorns reaching from the bed to twist around and shred his muscles. They were keeping him in place as much as the lake had frozen him. He felt like his heart was chilled to the core with thinking that they would've reassured him by now if Stiles was okay.

Derek looked at Isaac pleadingly. "He has to be okay. Tell me he's okay."

Isaac walked to his alpha's side. "We dealt with the Asle. We-"

Derek shouted angrily. "I don't care about that! Where is he!"

Isaac flinched from his tone.

Boyd came up behind Isaac and put one hand around his shoulders and the other on Derek's arm before speaking. "He's in the woods still."

Derek looked furious. "Bring him here now! I don't care if-if he-he's... Just bring him here! Why would you leave him?!"

Allison spoke up next. "We couldn't move him."

That sounded terrifying. "Why not?" Derek started to get up and Boyd caught his shoulder. He growled at Boyd. "I have to go see him! You aren't telling me anything. I need to know what is wrong."

Allison spoke up next, "We don't think you should, but he still had a heartbeat."

Derek frowned and furrowed his eyebrows. "Still has a heartbeat? What does that even mean. Why won't you just say Stiles is okay?!"

Deaton spoke up next, "Because we don't know if he is. Drink this." Deaton pressed a mixture to Derek's lips and no matter how much He wanted to slap it from his hands or spit it at him he knew he needed it, and he knew Deaton wouldn't continue speaking until he did. "We don't know what's happening, and we couldn't bring him here."

Derek looked murderous. "You left him there not knowing if he was okay!?"

"Yes. Scott, Lydia, and Erica are with him now. They will call with any updates. I, however had to leave to help you. You would have died."

Derek let out a choked sob as tears started flowing. "So? Who cares. You left Stiles! You heartless bastard! He's your apprentice! HE'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! AND YOU DIDN'T HELP HIM! You let him go! He's alone because of you! He's hurt becau-"

Deaton's calm patient demeanor shattered like a mirror and suddenly his words echoed heavily in Derek's mind as if they were refracted from multiple mouths. The jagged edges slicing into him mercilessly.

"No, Derek you let him go! He's alone because of you! He's hurt because of you, not me! I had to choose between helping you or figuring out what was wrong with him. I had to choose between the punk kid that's been following his best friend into my office for years and sneaking the cats extra treats- who is also yes, my apprentice- and the boy my alpha made me swear to protect the day he was born. You are both my responsibilities. I am his teacher, and your emissary. Just because you can make everybody else's lives hell by using the pain of your past and family to harm the people around you now doesn't mean I can! Did I leave him? Yes. I chose to help you because as soon as I got there he looked me in the eyes and begged me to save you. After he got done taking what little heat that remained from his body to burst through the ice, dragging your unconscious body through those glacial waves, and casting a spell to protect you from the Asle he still used his last conscious moment to plead for your life. He had that much faith that you were worth saving. My faith however is wavering."

Deaton looked at him disappointed.

"Derek do you fully understand what Stiles is? He's not just some kid, some witch, or even just an emissary. He is a spark. Most alphas would kill to have something that rare and that once in several life time special. And yet you treat him like a child that doesn't know the stove is hot. Stiles could have enough lightning under his skin to burn down entire forests and you treat him like his opinion doesn't matter because he could get hurt. In trying to save him from you, you forget to actually save him. He doesn't need to be protected from you, he needs to be protected by you."

Before anyone could react Derek bolted out the door.

When he got closer to the lake he smelt burning and saw the glow of fire in the darkness. He shifted fully to run even faster. Once he broke the tree line he transformed back to see Scott, Erica, and Lydia all surrounding a giant circle of raging fire illuminating the dark forest. Through the flames the outline of a body in the middle could barely be seen, Derek felt his knees go out, but the ground under them didn't even register.

He smelt the smoke from the day he lost everything once again. He was utterly empty. He let out a choked sob.

That caught their attention. The next moment Erica was at his side and Scott was talking to him. He couldn't hear him over Lydia's screaming. Once she appeared over Scott's shoulder with a destroyed look upon her face he realized it was him. He was screaming while letting out choked sobs.

He didn't know how much time passed till Erica moved, but it felt like decades. Without Erica supporting him he fell forward onto hands gripping the dirt. His screams fell to a steady rhythm of pouring out of tears and breaths and the pounding in his ear subsided enough to finally be able to make out words.

"En to it. Derek you need to calm down. Listen to it. Do you hear it? Derek can you hear me, can you hear it?"

The confusion calmed him enough to look up at Scott. "H- hear what?"

Scott looked relieved. "Good. Good. Just take a few breaths."

When did the pack get here? "What? Hear what?"

Scott guided him up and supported him along with Erica.

Scott started dragging him towards the fire and the tears started all over. "No! No no no! I can't. I can't. Please. Don't make me. Please."

Scott looked sympathetic. "You need to see it Derek."

Lydia put a hand out in front of them. It was burned, and Scott and Erica's skin and hair were covered in soot and the clothes they were wearing weren't theirs. He didn't know how he didn't see it before, her arms looked terrible. The alpha in him reacted to her pain. "Maybe that isn't the best idea. He needs to calm down." As she spoke Derek lifted up a hand and gently brushed it against her skin. Lydia looked down at the black veins crawling up Derek's arms after she finished speaking.

"No it's okay. I need to do this. I need to see him."

They looked at him in a strange way as they helped him along.

"Derek I don't think you understand, hell I don't fully understand."

"Well then make me!" Derek snapped, tired of being told he didn't know things without anyone telling him anything. "Tell me exactly what happened."

Scott took a breath before responding. "I got a text that Stiles thought you were going to confront them on your own, he said he'd text when he found you and I never got a text. So I called the pack and Deaton and we looked for you guys, but by the time we got to the lake it was too late. You guys were already out. The Asle were surrounding you both, but there was a giant ring of fire that kept them away. You were still closer to the lake, but Stiles was slowly dragging himself to where he threw his phone. As soon as they saw all of us they fled. Once they were gone the ring of fire closed in on Stiles and engulfed him. Then Stiles told Deaton to take care of you before passing out. I ran in to get him, but as I drug him out the circle moved so he was still in the middle. Erica ran in and got me out. Deaton tried a few spells to get him out, but they didn't work. They took you because you were dying, and we stayed with him."

Derek tried to stay focused on what Scott was saying to not think about where they were going, but now they were close enough he could feel the heat on the face he had resolutely pointed down. It couldn't be pushed from his mind.

Derek stopped and they must've thought it was close enough because they didn't urge him farther. After a few moments of steadying breaths he looked up.

His eyes widened, and how mouth dropped. "He- he looks-"

Erica interrupted. "Alive. Deaton doesn't know what's happening, but yeah. Listen Derek, really listen."

He trained his ears and for awhile all he could hear was the crackling of the fire, but then he heard it. The steady unmistakable rhythm of Stiles' heartbeat.

He bolted towards the fire.

"Derek no!"

"Stop!"

They ran after him, but he was faster.

When he touched the edge of the fire he expected to feel the flames, but he didn't. As soon as he touched the fire it disappeared, like it was never there. All that was left was the smoke and charred remains of the ground surrounding a breathing unburned Stiles.

He ran and knelt by Stiles. He could feel the pack surround them. He picked up his head and gently cradled him. He tried to take his pain, but he couldn't. Stiles' heartbeat quickened. Derek could feel him stirring.

With the heat coming off Stiles, he felt the ice encasing his heart since the lake finally thaw. He was crying once again.

Stiles' eyes fluttered open, and the pack all held in a breath together.

"Ouch. I didn't like that fight."

Derek let out a choked laugh and gripped him tighter.

"Derek promise me we won't have to fight that fight again. Just tell me, I don't want to wait this out. I'd rather it hurt now. I need to know. I'd rather you hurt me now."

Derek shook his head. "No Stiles. Never, never again." Derek gripped him closer to his chest and whispered his words into the darkness.

"I promise."

***

"Oooo that boy was one doozy of a trip." He turned his snakelike eyes to where Derek was tied up. "Boy oh boy, that Kate chick really did a number on you! Tell me-"

He looked mocking yet playfully innocent.

"Sourwolf- You don't mind if I call you that do you?- have your wounds healed from your- hm let's be polite and say 'indiscretions'? Hmm, have you learned your lesson yet? Or are you going to let loverboy in and add another sentence to your record. First was Paige, then Kate, now Stiles. Though I do say New York wouldn't be far enough for your exile this time, you know, with the whole one's and incident, two's a coincidence, then, uh-oh three's a pattern! Oh wait, I didn't say that did I? No. That was loverboy. Sorry the memories do tend to get all gobbled up."

He scrunched his nose cheerfully, then his face fell to a look of despair.

"Oh wait, no. You don’t know. Not yet. You will though. You'll know when you find the used up husk that used to be your beloved. You see I sucked him drrrrry. I took every last memory. His first, his last-"

"I swear if you've hurt him-" Derek spoke with vitriol.

He waved his hand dismissively. "Relax would ya. I didn't hurt him." His eyes lit up with excitement. "It was so much worse. I took every last minute he ever lived and I sucked it out of him. Hehehe."

He showed a giddy sort of excitement.

"I did. I really reeeally did.  I took his first day of school, I took him dragging tall, dark, and dopey out into the woods, I took his idolization of the redhead, his love for his father, meeting every last member of his pack, meeting his best friend, meeting you. He knew too, he knew it all as it was happening. As I was taking every last part of himself that made him, him he knew. So as I took him watching his mother slowly forget who he was he thought- Hehehehe- sorry. Ehm got the giggly pants. He thought, 'Oh god I'm just like her. I'm going to look at the people I love most and not even know them. Know I'm hurting them.' In one of Stiles' last moments of truly being Stiles he thought about you all and how much losing himself would hurt you."

A faux sadness clouded his face, but the grin soon resurfaced.

"And you know the kicker Derek? The real kick in the pants is in his last moment, his very last, he screamed out your name, even after all that you've done to him. And you've done a lot to him, you guys shoot hateful words at each other like enemies across borders. He takes hits from you like a soldier. Pew pew pew."

The creature acted like he was shooting across the room.

"But to be fair your boy can take a hit. Still, for your name to be the one he called out after how much you hurt him is something. And you did sourwolf."

Derek growled at the use of the nickname again.

"You hurt him so bad he thought you hated him as much as you hate yourself."

He got close and whispered. "Which is a lot. You should work on that."

He skipped away again.

"Or not. It won't make any difference to him anymore. It won't even hurt him now. He won't care. Although, did he really before?"

That snapped Derek out of his head. The one thing he always knew is Stiles always cared about him, even if he didn't. He felt a surge of anger knowing what he took from Stiles.

When the pack got there the snake was still alive tied to a chair, but his mouth was bleeding like a waterfall. Derek was sitting in a corner.

"He wouldn’t shut up."

Scott spoke in a scolding tone. "Derek!"

Derek glared. "The only reason he's still alive is because he knows where Stiles is and how to fix him."

Once they found him it hurt so bad not seeing an ounce of recognition in his eyes. Before it was them all forgetting Stiles now it was the other way around, and he didn't know how Stiles didn't go mad. He wanted to just shake him till he called him sourwolf.

The snake gave him back his memories, but he wouldn't remember. Even after several threats the snake couldn't do anything further, he said Stiles had to remember on his own, even if Derek kept him chained up till he starved.

In the end, after several horrible weeks, they all took turns telling him things to get his memory back.

"Stiles please you have to remember. Remember who you were. Please. I love you. You're everything-" Derek looked shocked he had said that. "You're everything to the pack."

It was his father that got him to remember finally.

As everyone was celebrating with Stiles, Derek snuck out.

"You'd let me live... why?" The snake rubbed his wrists where the cuffs were.

"Because you're going to take the memory of our fight. And only that! Or I swear I will cut you to pieces so slowly you will wish you could take your own memories."

"Deal. But I'm still unclear why."

"He would never forgive me if he remembered what I said. I said horrible things. I could tell it was over."

The look he gave him, even if it was erased from Stiles' head, kept ringing in his. First the look of alarm, then the look of determination as he grabbed mountain ash to throw at the snake in his bedroom, next the confusion at seeing Derek too, it froze his filled hand long enough for the snake to dart to his neck. His mouth gaped open and Derek turned away from the look of utter betrayal. Finally when he looked back Stiles had the same look of peaceful sleep he had before.

"He didn't take our fight away Derek."

His eyes widened so far Stiles thought they would've popped out.

"Yeah he probably figured he could hit Mexico before you caught on, but he didn't know you put Boyd, no, Peter onto his tail. Yeah he's long dead by now. Right?" Derek stood still, barely nodded.

"He actually gave me his memory of you asking him to violate me. Even after everything I just went through. After it all you still asked him to do that to me." Stiles smiled bitterly.

"I'm so- I didn't know wha- You wouldn't ever hav-"

"I forgive you."

Derek looked even more shocked. "Wh-what? Why? I- I don't understand? Why would yo-"

"You wouldn't understand. Derek 'Why do you try to save me.' Hale. You are pack. Am I still mad? Fuck yeah. Am I going to get over it? Unfortunately. Why? Because it doesn't matter what you say to me, what you do, I see through all of your misdirections. I see who you are. I see you Derek. Before our fight I got close to territory that you aren't ready for, so you snapped. I got close so you pushed me away, and you did and said things to ensure I wouldn't want to come back. You are unforgivable because you want to be unforgivable, because you don't think to deserve forgiveness. You push people away so you can't hurt them. You shut people out, out of habit. When someone gets close to you and proves themself worthy you bare your teeth, not your neck. I'm not falling for it. You aren't going to bite me..."

Stiles scoffed.

"Not with those bunny teeth. Besides, we're finally getting somewhere. You mentioned my father's drinking being my fault in a fight after I asked you out. I think this is a step forward." Stiles chuckled.

Derek's eyes filled with tears and he rushed Stiles into a bone crushing hug. He took deep lungfuls of Stiles' scent with his nose in the crook of his neck. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I don't know why I say those things."

"Because you're scared. Everyone you've ever loved has hurt you. Some unintentional, some not, but still. Every last one of them. You have never known a love that didn't mean pain."

"It's okay. I deserve it. I hurt them too."

"You won't hurt me. I believe that. You just have to stop pushing me away."

"I thought I lost you."

"Never, sourwolf, never." Stiles tucked Derek even closer to himself.

****************************** After the flashes of angry shouts and hurt feelings stopped he knew this felt different.

He was so done, done fighting. He needed to know, and he would beat the answer out of Derek if it came to it. He got his jeep working again and turned around. The entire ride Stiles felt the lightning coursing through his veins.

Stiles flung the door open and rushed Derek.

"Stiles what are yo-"

In one swift motion Stiles grabbed his hand yanking him towards him, then used both hands to grab the sides of his face and smashed their lips together.

It wasn't aggressive, but it didn't lose any of its intense edge to fizzle into something softer. It wasn't loving, or passionate. It was by no means a sweet kiss, but it wasn't bitter or angry either. There was no decoration or expectation, just desperation.

They both pulled away out of breath.

"I think we both know the reason we fight so much. Because we both know there's something here worth fighting for."

Derek looked beaten and confused. "Stiles just let it go. Let us go. Let me go."

"No. I see who you are. We are worth fighting for. You are. So I'm not going to stop, but if you want to keep fighting me tell me now. Because if you're gonna hurt me hurt me now. I need to know." Stiles tried to betray that this was his very last chance with his pleading eyes. He let go of Derek's hand.

"I'm sick of fighting." Derek spoke like he was tired of even having to talk about fighting. He reached for Stiles' hand.

"Good good. Just let me help you. Derek, let me save you. Let me help you. Do you want me to?"

"Save me. Please. Please Stiles you're everything to me. But I don't know how to be the man you think I am. I don't deserve to be him."

Stiles remembered the empty words he's said before. He had to make sure this was the last time.

"Okay. Okay, say you do. Say you deserve all of the terrible things in the world. Say it was somehow your fault that an older woman tricked and seduced you when you were too young to know any better. Say the tragedy of your family didn't happen to you, it happened because of you. Say you are the worst person on the planet. Say you actually deserve what you think you do. Say all of that, but what about the pack? Hm? They don't deserve that. They don't deserve seeing you in so much pain. They don't deserve an alpha so focused on punishing himself for the past he forgets to make the future better for them. What- what about me? I deserve to have you. I do. After all the shit I got through, I deserve to get to be loved by you. You need to stop pretending you aren't worth it because I will never stop reaching for your hand. I- I love you Derek. You, you. The Derek that has messed up and failed and lost more fights than he's won. I always have and will, but I need you to at least like yourself. You have to let go Derek. Love them and remember them? Yes, always. But blame yourself? You need to move on if you won't do it for you do it for them. Do it for us."

Derek laid his forehead against Stiles' and closed his eyes. "I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to, but I might. I'll work on it. I'll go back to therapy. I'll pray that I will change into who you think I am. I'll work with you, but I might still push you away. I might still hurt you now, but I want to be saved." Derek grabbed his other hand too.

"Then I'll save you."

[padawanlost]

Assuming my impression is accurate, you seem to be someone who grew up on the OT but prefers the PT and loves it unironically (as in, not just because of the memes). A refreshing change from the usual. And I also don't like Disney basically ignoring the PT in their new canon, focusing instead on the ST and catering to everyone who treats the OT as gospel. I'm sorry, I'm a little bitter.

No, I didn’t really grew up with the OT. When I was born ROTJ had already premiered so I grew up in a time when the OT was all the SW we had but I was too young to be part of the madness. It was only when the PT hype begun that I started to pay serious attention to SW and only after TPM I became truly fascinated by Star Wars (as a fan and not just a consumer). that’s why I don’t consider myself someone who was an OT fan first. The prequels will always be my first and main sw love.

As for Disney, I was one of those fans who was always skeptical about the whole thing. I never saw it as a good and every day that goes by I just become more… resigned. As someone who has dedicated years of her life to star wars to have a company suddenly say none of that matters anymore because they want to make new stuff only to discover the new stuff is just the old stuff with a new paint job was a punch in the gut. Not gonna lie, it hurts. But I also feel conflicted because this has been an introduction to sw to so many new fans and I really don’t want to become the same kind of person who told me I was a bad fan for enjoying something they, the older generation, didn’t. 

There’s a huge part of the fandom that has never enjoyed Star Wars without Disney and that’s something I have to factor in when I’m talking about this because I know exactly how it feels to have someone tell you how wrong you are for enjoying a movie, a ship or a character and I *really* don’t want to be that person. so, I’m hurt. I’m deeply hurt by what Disney has done and will continue doing, but I don’t want to be an asshole about it because I also believe in people’s right to love Disney’s content. It’s a really fine line to walk and it’s one that hurts me. that’s why you won’t see me posting about the current state of the fandom here. I don’t want to get involved because getting involved hurts. I mean, it’s not because of the fandom, the media or even Disney. But it’s impossible to think about the present and future of star wars without being heartbroken at how easily its past, a past that I was part of, was dismissed, erased or retconed.

[sapphiresea]

Earp-A-Palooza 2019

Okay, so by request, a few of you asked if I could share my experiences again. Below the cut, I’ll go through my weekend at Earp-A-Palooza, but right now I just want to start by saying this was one of the most special experiences of my entire life. I am so unbelievably glad I was able to go and that it worked out. Honestly, it was a true blessing. Also, I don’t get to mention this in here, but the whole weekend, Dom and Kat were calling me by name and I was almost never wearing the badge that actually said my name on it, so they clearly just remembered that I’m Steph. Considering I know I haven’t told Kat my name since at least Expo in June, if even then, that was pretty rad. I think I reminded Dom at EH Con, but she remembered it now, so I’m definitely not complaining! That was a really neat feeling, just to know that I’m known by them. Is that totally dorky? Maybe. But how many people can say that about their faves? And how many faves even bother to remember people’s names the way this cast does with us Earpers? I’m about to say it a dozen times at least, but these people are really special.

My Friday started off in a rush, leaving my apartment at only 5 AM to drop off my apartment keys for my best friend before catching my flight to St. Louis. Customs took a long time to get through, and I felt anxious to get moving. I was tired as hell, only having slept for 45 minutes, but so ready for the con adrenaline to kick in. I had this really strange feeling in my gut. I kept looking around, and it felt like I was crazy. But something was just nagging at me and it was really weird. Except then, at about 7 AM, I turned around in my seat by the gate, and Kat Barrell was walking in.

So there’s that!

Someone tagged her in a reply to a tweet I made and I swear I saw her look around really quickly out of the corner of her eye. I was kind of blocked from her view by a few people, and also it was, again, 7 AM. She also doesn’t know my username since I don’t interact with her online much even though we’ve met in person several times, so she didn’t really know who she was looking for if she did, in fact, see it.

I figured I’d go say hello, but then leave her alone. I also didn’t want to bother her, so I waited until they made the first boarding call. She wasn’t in zone 1, but she put her phone down and wasn’t too busy, so I casually walked over and said, “I don’t want to interrupt, but I just thought I’d come say ‘hi.’” She looked up and recognition clicked and she grinned and greeted me. I kind of hung back in case she wasn’t up to talk but she initiated a conversation and I wasn’t about to turn her down. She asked if I was going to St. Louis for Palooza. I said, “Yeah, it would be kind of weird if I was just here and not going.” She laughed and said, “Maybe you’re going to Indianapolis” (these were the only two gates in our area for a very long stretch). I conceded and said I was going to the con and she asked if a lot of my friends were going. I told her just about all my friends were going and that made her pretty happy to hear. We chatted awhile, not really about anything serious but it was still a good conversation. This was the one time I didn’t mind that boarding was taking ages (seriously, like fifteen minutes). Our plane was also a walk out on the tarmac and so we boarded together in the same zone and before she took her seat, she smiled and said, “See you there!”

I never sleep on planes, but literally everyone on the flight (all twelve of them – we were on the tiniest plane) had crashed. I was way too excited about the weekend, so I mostly just listened to music and played games on my phone.

When we landed, Kat was further up so she was off the plane before me, but she had to stay to get her skycheck luggage. I wasn’t going to be a creep and linger since the bag I had to pick up was over on the baggage carousel across the airport. She waved as I walked by and I said “see you later!” I went to get my things and meet my friend.

I hung out with a few people for awhile before the con and made some really fun new friends who were rooming with a couple of people I knew. I had so many laughs just on the way over to the con hotel that it was really a magical start to the morning. I had been sick earlier in the week and concerned that I would have to sleep a lot in my down time but I felt really great, and I was happy to check in and go right to registration and start meeting up with everyone.

I had told myself to be calm about photos and autos this con and had so many plans to only do 4 photos the whole weekend that literally dissipated as soon as I got there. I bought a Dom and a Kat solo for the very first day and you’ll soon see that over the course of 3 days, 4 photos easily transformed into 11 plus selfies. Oops? Sorry not sorry.

My first photo was with Dom. As I hadn’t planned anything for these extra photos, I basically just winged it with whatever I thought would be cute. She was so energetic when I walked in. She grinned so brightly when she saw me and said it was nice to see me again and complimented my hair. I have always curled my hair for them, but I was lazy getting up at 3:20 AM so I had just straightened it but she really liked it, so maybe I don’t hate my hair straight anymore. I asked if we could sit and lay our heads on each other’s shoulders. Which, of course, meant softly headbutting each other because I didn’t specify and she checked with me what I wanted. I said, “Okay, just put your head on my shoulder?” and we got a super adorable photo. As I was getting up to leave, she started asking how I was and making small conversation and I was so sure I was going to be kicked out, so I made it really quick, but it was a really great interaction.

Kat’s solo photo came next. As I walked in, she was like, “Hey! You made it!” It kind of made me laugh because yeah, I flew in with you boo. But she followed it up with, “I was looking for you! I was going to offer you a ride, but I didn’t find you.” Wow. Okay. So that happened. I’m still kind of bummed I didn’t see her to get that ride – because how cool would that be!? – but also I would’ve had to linger like a weirdo and it would’ve been very awkward for me to wait for her to get her bags and not just look creepy, so it’s not surprising we had lost each other. I thanked her for the thought though, and I’m still really stoked that she was going to do that at all. Really, this cast is the absolute sweetest and so thoughtful. I know a lot of actors and few of them would want to share a ride with a fan, let alone be the ones to offer. I get it, but there’s something very special about Kat and the rest of the Earp cast, you know?

I also had a real time trying to explain to her the photo of her and Dom I wanted to recreate. She had no idea what I meant when I said she was the small spoon in prom pose and she didn’t know what face to make even though I said for her to just smile. She held my hands really tightly though, and the photo turned out amazing. I have no complaints.

Following that, I went for autographs. I had a giveaway and my friend who couldn’t make it to Palooza had asked me to get her Dom and Kat’s autos, so I moved right to that line. I ended up getting in Kat’s line first, and it moved very slowly. She was chatting with everyone, which was actually quite nice. I love when they’re given time to actually have conversations with us. I don’t actually remember the order of what we discussed, to be honest. When I got up, she asked if I had slept on the plane because she had conked out the moment the engine turned on. I shook my head and said I could never sleep on planes. She asked if I was super tired or if the con adrenaline had kicked in. I told her it kicked in some time at the airport and thankfully I wasn’t that tired.

I showed her that I got my tattoo, which she had written for me at EH Con. Since I had decided to wear a t-shirt tucked into my jeans, I had to show it to her on my phone or else I would’ve had to do a weird flash move. She loved it though. I said I knew it was a little ironic to get “everything is temporary” as a tattoo but that it’s something I tell myself constantly. She nodded and said, “The good and the bad, too!” And I just said, “Exactly. It’s a great reminder.” And she loved that I had done matching ones with one of my best friends on my birthday when I got it. She asked if it really hurt and I said it was my most painful and that I kind of wished the words were shorter because I was like, “Please be done soon!” Ribs hurt way more than any of my others. I don’t know how people do intricate designs there. Y’all are superheroes. I said I was also the dummy who got two in one go and she asked about my other one. I told her I got Dom’s butterfly and ended up explaining the significance, which meant she asked me all about the butterfly project, which was a little uncomfortable. I definitely didn’t mean to be like Tragic Backstory Unlocked™ but I was pretty clear that it was a sign of recovery and that I was six years clean. I can’t remember her exact response but it was along the lines of being proud of me. I thanked her and quickly changed topics as she moved to the second signature.

I told her I had gone to see the movie she had recommended on Instagram and she asked which one. I said, “Last Call,” and she asked what I thought. I told her I liked the story but that I was really amazed by how they had pulled off shooting it, which she agreed with emphatically. I said I was about 20 minutes in before I realized there hadn’t been a cut and that this whole movie was one take, but that listening to the cast and crew describe the process after was really phenomenal. She was so excited I had gone and she thought it was pretty amazing. I also slipped and said I had ducked out of CarmillaCon for a few hours to go and she asked how that was as we were taking our selfie. I replied that it was really great and she said she thought it would be and it sounded really cool.

As I was leaving, she hugged me and said it was great seeing me at the airport and again that she was glad I made it this weekend. So….if I’m having heart palpitations, it’s because Kat Barrell is the biggest sweetheart in the entire world.

I tried to get into Dom’s line and was extremely bummed to find out I couldn’t. Her line was swarmed by people with fast passes and VIPs so it was barely moving, and they cut it well before her time was up. I was super disappointed, but also I’m glad that they’ve been doing that. Dom is often signing very late overtime because she’s too nice to leave and she loves us all too much for that. It’s really good to see cons taking care of her and the rest of the cast, even if I don’t get to see them when I want.

I got into Emily’s line instead. It was pretty busy and I was only getting a selfie, so it was a quick interaction but she was her usual friendly self and gave me a hug and told me it was nice to see me again. She also really loved my t-shirt – which Dom had also commented on at our photo op – because it was a winking Calamity Jane and on the top it said “loves pussy…” and on the bottom, below the cat, says “cats.” They both thought it was hilarious. The design was mine, and the cat was drawn by my lovely friend Catie. You can find it on Redbubble here, if you like it.

That was all I had for the day, so I went out to hang with some Earpers. I chatted with a bunch of them for awhile and went out for dinner before going to the block party. Well, sort of. My roommate and I didn’t want to spend the money for tickets, so we hung out outside with some of our friends who were going in and out and danced around until we went back to our room. And I just want to say here that I met so many new Earpers and got closer with others I haven’t seen much at previous cons. I love this community with my whole entire heart. My favorite people are in this fandom and I wish I could go back and just hug everyone a thousand times.

I was very tired by the time we got back, but my roommate, Autumn, and I still spent awhile dancing around our room and watching the Carmilla movie before bed. It was like 3 AM when we finally went to sleep, which maybe wasn’t the best move since we had to be up at 7 AM the next morning, but it was fun!

I knew the day was busy so I only stuck around for half of the cast panel, and I’ll have to watch the other half on YouTube. I got to see Tim surprise all of us by showing up, though. How cool was that!? Admittedly, some of us thought he might, but that didn’t detract from the moment we heard his voice at all. There were so many screams, and I was stoked. He’s the one cast member I’ve yet to meet and I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to witness that and to get to see him. He’s such a sweetheart!

I had photo ops first thing but I rearranged to get Melanie’s solo on Sunday so I would have a better chance of getting into the autograph line for Dom. I had a Wayhaught photo that I had planned for ages. I was wearing a blazer and presenting a poster of a study I had generated through R to provide evidence of Wayhaught being the best couple on television. Dom and Kat were both like, “Oh my gosh, what is this!?” when I walked in with it. I introduced Autumn as my research assistant and explained the photo, but they were both trying to read the poster. Autumn pointed out that I had really run this through statistical software and done all the programming for it and I said yeah, it was all mathematically accurate and that even though the data was generated, it’s what I felt was the truth. They loved it, even though Dom added, “I don’t understand a word of this, but it’s so cool!” They were both like, “Wait, so what do you want us to do in this?” because they were too distracted to listen to my instructions and I told them again. It was exactly what I wanted from that photo, to be honest. I love it. 

I really wanted to get Dom’s autos on Saturday since I knew I would have to leave before her session on Sunday. I attempted to get into her line for the early signing but photo ops had run late and the line was huge. Everyone attending Palooza lined up for everything way before they needed to, and that meant it was really hard to get in for much if you had photos. Literally as I got to the front, they cut Dom’s line, so I went for Kat again. I wanted both of them to sign the poster and had forgot it in my room the day before.

Kat tried to read the whole poster again when I brought it up and asked me about it. I explained that I had done it as practice R coding for grad school since I have to do simulations for my thesis. She thought it was really cool. We also talked about my shirt from the day before because she had signed “Nicole loves pussy…cats” on her banner and I commented on that. She said she loved the cat and asked if I had drawn it. I said I did a mock up and sent it to my friend who could actually draw. But she gave me the biggest hug as I left and I don’t even remember if she said anything after that, to be honest, besides goodbye. I was floating a bit.

Unfortunately, in order to get Dom’s autograph, I had to sell my meet and greet with Varun. I was super bummed, but I’m Dom and Kat trash. They’re the reason I go to these cons. And I really needed to get her to sign not only the poster but the autographs for others. I ended up lining up right after I left Kat, even though it was three hours early. Even then, I was not the front of the line, so that tells you how lines were at this con. (It was really chill in every other aspect, though.) I had two photo ops between then and the auto time, so I ended up having a chain of people saving my space in line and like…thank goodness for them, really. I am so grateful. I think I thanked them like three hundred times because it worked.

But first, my photos. I had a solo with Kat next. I shared it with my friend Vanessa, who was dressed as season 3 Nicole. I was wearing another shirt I designed to copy Nicole’s unicorn tee and had specially made, so I was in a very light ‘casual Nicole’ cosplay. We decided to fight over Kat and she was adorable. We also ended up in behind the scenes videos on Instagram and twitter, so that was cool. (There’s also a BTS shot of her signing my poster!)

Next up was another solo with Dom, and for that I just asked for her to be forehead-to-forehead with me. It’s so cute I don’t think I’ll ever have another profile photo (just jokes – I have a special Christmas one with her and you know I’m too trash not to cycle through photo ops on a loop with her and Kat until I see them again). But I do really love it. As I left, she said, “Thanks Steph!” and I skipped out.

I was stoked to be able to get into Dom’s autograph line at last and it felt like I was able to breathe because I really, really wanted to see her. Honestly that had been my main draw to come, and I know I’ve been very fortunate to meet her previously, but I didn’t want to let anyone down by not getting her auto and I didn’t want to miss actually getting to speak with her!

When I got up to her, she was a bit busy but that was fine because I still had to fish out everything I needed her to sign. Unlike other cons where autos have been capped at 2, I was able to get all three things I needed! Bless. She apologized for the distraction and I said it was no problem at all.

I talked with her about my tattoo of her butterfly first. Normally I like to ask if it’s okay to get someone’s writing before I jump in and do it, but I hadn’t been able to ask her first. I told her I got it and she thought it was wonderful and asked to see it, so I turned around and lifted my hair and she moved my collar to see it and said it was beautiful. I explained to her why it was so important to me and she also asked about the project and said that was really beautiful and she loved it. She was so sweet and wonderful, really.

Again, though, I didn’t want to linger on that topic. I like to make it clear that it’s healing and recovery, not current struggling. So I told her about how my school doesn’t allow plastic bottles and really promotes reusable bottles and how I loved that they did that. Of course, she dug that initiative.

She got to the poster finally to sign it and I just blushed and said it was the dorkiest thing I had ever done. She said that was awesome and that it was good to be dorky. I said I just wanted to make studying more fun and that was the result. She signed, “Nerdy is beautiful,” on the poster. We took our selfie and I asked if I could give her a hug, to which she replied, “Of course!” I thanked her and she said, “Goodbye angel!” as I left. My friend Autumn was there the whole time and she calls me angel, so she was teasing about how that’s her nickname.

Following that, I attended the Men of Purgatory panel and just relaxed a bit with my friends. After the con ended for the day, we went to meet another friend while she was getting dinner….and she had been seated right next to Dom, Varun, Justin, and Tim. So wow. We didn’t bother them, of course, but as they were leaving, Dom saw us and waved and said “hi” and told us to have a great night. They were on their way to the concert, I guess! We waited for our friends to finish eating and then went to the lip sync battle, which was really fun. Kevin was in a wedding dress, Bonnie performed to Melissa Etheridge, and Allison did a baller dance to Chicago. I couldn’t help but dance along. I was kind of losing my voice, though, so I didn’t want to stay for karaoke and neither did my friends, so we called it early.

Sunday was busy but much less hectic overall. It started with the Wayhaught panel, which was so cute. You can all thank Nessa for Kat wearing that Stetson, by the way. She’s the same one who gave it to her at EH Con for the Newlywed panel. Anyway my gay really shone and I had so much fun. I can’t wait for that to be released for everyone (and for me to re-watch!). 

Next, I had photos with Tim. Having never met him, I asked for a simple hug. He was so soft spoken and sweet. We didn’t talk much, since it was just a photo, but he’s a very kind man and I was thrilled to meet him! Now I’ve met the whole of the main cast and most of the big guests. And they’ve all been wonderful!

Next was Wayhaught. My friend Catie and I did a joint photo following up on one we had gotten at Expo where Kat kissed my cheek and Dom kissed hers. We switched this time. She asked me if I thought we’d look less like useless gays and I just said, “No.” Spoiler? We didn’t. Dom really did kiss my cheek and that’s never going to get old.

I stayed behind because I had a second Wayhaught duo just by myself but Dom knew that and Kat didn’t, so she started dancing around away from us and Dom was like, “Uh, Kat?” And she turned back and I grinned and said, “I have another one,” and she laughed and apologized but I told her I didn’t mind. I just asked them to do princess face because, like so many others, I hadn’t thought ahead. Oops? I ain’t mad about the result, though!

Two of my friends saved us places in line for the Ladies of Purgatory panel, so I went to that next and loved it. I’m not writing much about panels only because they’ll all be online. But oof. Good content. A lot of tears, though. 

I left a couple of minutes early to get into line for photos with Mel and Kat. Their photos overlapped, so I asked where to go. They said, “Get in line 12 for Kat first.” Except when they brought up line 12, we were taken to Mel. So I got Mel’s photo instead. It was simple, but at previous cons I’ve never had a solo op with her and at EH Con, she commented along the lines of feeling neglected because I was always doing ops where I was swooning over Dom or Kat. I love Melanie so much, and I went up and just said, “I feel like I never get to tell you how much I love you, so I was wondering if we could just hold each other for a minute.” She was so soft and just said, “Aw, of course! You’re so sweet! Come here!”

I ran out to get my photo with Kat and asked her if we could hold hands. She took both my hands and I rested my head on her shoulder. She held my hand even as the op ended and gave it a few squeezes and said again how glad she was to see me and said, “Goodbye darling!” as I left. I’m soft. Every time I see this photo, my heart skips another beat because I think about how incredible it was to see Kat in particular this weekend. She really does have my whole heart. What an amazing woman.

My last photo op was an impulse buy (like as if most of this weekend wasn’t impulse purchases?). Autumn, Sakari and I did an Earp sisters duo with Mel and Dom and asked them to feign fighting. Dom initially went into a stance with her fists up and then Mel did…whatever you call this and Dom reached for her leg. I’m totally laughing in this because I’m not an actor and I was like, “What the heck, Melanie?”

Autumn and I had to rush out from the con then, sadly, because the latest flights we could get out of St. Louis were at 5:45 PM and we needed to get to the airport. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to most of my friends, which sucks, but it was better to miss a few hours at the end than to miss the whole con.

Honestly, I know I say this every time, but the warmth in my heart after every Earper convention is unmatched. The cast, the beautiful friends both old and new… I can’t say how much it means to me. I don’t have post-con depression, I just straight up miss my people. And I am, more than anything, so grateful to have been blessed with these experiences over the past year. I am so fortunate and so grateful for all of it. Especially to Dom and Kat for their genuine, soft, and kind words, putting me at ease and making me feel so special and seen, and to all my friends who are now some of the most important people in my life for being my backbone and making me feel more confident and accepted… I can never thank you all enough. Con season is almost over so I won’t get to do this again until next year – although I’ll definitely be visiting my friends in the interim – but gosh, I cannot wait. These memories will carry me through not just until then, but for the rest of my life.

[wolfpawn]

Life is a Game of Risks

Summary -  Tom walks into a cafe near RADA while working on Hamlet to see a woman sitting down in a corner, he knows her, but he is not sure from where. It finally dawns on him, an old family friend, the one that suggested to him to go into acting and whom as they ascended to adulthood, he had a crush on, but time passed and nothing happened. Now he meets Alexianna again and he is not going to miss the chance to speak with her once more, but there is an issue, time has not been good to her, her life is more complex now. Can Tom handle what it entails when the one you care for has a child already and can Alexianna deal with the pressures of being the real-life girlfriend of the internet’s boyfriend?

Chapter 3

Chapter Summary -  Tom and Alexianna get coffee and discuss things in greater detail, leading to a few reveals about Alexianna's life over the past few years.

TRIGGERS - Past domestic abuse, Past emotional abuse, Past sexual abuse.

Previous Chapter 

Request if you wish to be tagged

'So, is there someone, in particular, you need to be home for at five for?' He asked, trying to not sound nosy. In truth he just wanted Alexianna to actually talk about herself and thought it a good place to start.

'Not really, no.'

'So no boyfriend?'

'No, you?'

'Not really into guys myself, no.' Tom smiled before laughing slightly, 'No, I am single these days.'

'No more pop princesses?' Alexianna teased.

'No.' The way Tom looked at his cup told her a lot. 'That is not something I would ever consider again.'

'That's your choice.' Alexianna stated, not pushing the issue any further.

'Do you talk to your mother these days?' There was a sudden tension in the air as Alexianna looked at him silently. 'I'm sorry, I should not have asked.'

'I haven't spoken to my mother in four years.'

'I would have thought you would be happier about that if she was the same as she was when you grew up,' Tom prodded gently.

'I suppose I should, it came to a head, everything, and I needed her, but she wasn't there, I was really down about it. I thought she would be there, because she knew what it was like, but no.'

Tom frowned, unsure of what to say. 'I'm sorry.'

'Not your fault.' Alexianna dismissed.

'Was it even yours?' she did not answer. 'Lexi?'

'It doesn't matter. I know it wasn't, but still, part of my brain niggles at me that if I had done this or that better, it wouldn't have happened.' she explained. Tom took her hand in his and squeezed it gently, to show her he was there, noticing that it was hot and sweaty. 'I was married.' she admitted it as though it was something dirty, something to be ashamed of. 'But he left, four years ago.'

'I...' There was nothing Tom could think of to say to that.

'I have not heard anything from him since, nothing. I finally applied last year for a divorce, but I couldn't find him to sign the papers.'

'Where does that leave you?' Tom asked curiously, knowing nothing of such situations.

'I am doing it through a solicitor that deals with these sorts of cases, but it is not easy.'

'I dare say not. How long were you married?'

'Three years.' the manner in which she said it told Tom it was not the most pleasant of times. 'I made some terrible decisions, it cost me college, everything.'

'So that is why you are back in college now?' She nodded. 'You are so strong.' he commended, smiling encouragingly at her.

'I got a bit sideswiped, but I'm getting there.' Her smile was not as big, or as confident as his, but she still meant it. 'What about you?'

'No marriages or anything, I have been so busy with work, then last year...'

'You sound like you regret it.'

'I do, in many respects, I don't in others.' he decided to be honest, she was more than so with him. 'Is that why your mother...'

'When it happened her, it was my father’s fault, he was in the wrong, he was the problem, when it happened me, it was all me, I made the mistakes, I was the reason he left.' she stated.

'How does Daniel feel about it?' Tom asked, referencing her older brother.

'Daniel wants to know where he is,' she admitted. 'So he can find him and bury him.'

Tom smiled, Daniel was only two years older than Alexianna and they were always close, she almost mothered him in many respects, cooking, cleaning, being the mother they didn't really have. 'Do you still talk?'

'He works on the rigs up in the North Sea, he is down every few months, he pays my rent and everything, he forked out for me to get back to school.' She smiled fondly. 'I just make sure he is fed and his clothes washed when he is back. He is home at the moment.'

'Good, tell him I said hi,' Tom was relieved she at least had her brother for company.

'I will.' she promised. She looked at the expensive watch on Tom's wrist. 'I have taken enough of your day.' she rose to her feet.

Tom was somewhat startled by her jumping out of the chair. 'It's no trouble, Lexi.' she gave a small grimace of a smile. 'Do you not like that name anymore?'

'It brings back some memories.' she explained.

'Bad ones?' Tom guessed.

'No, not bad.' there was a distance in her voice and a smile on her face as she said that.

'I don't understand.'

'Your family always called me that, you guys and Daniel, so it just...it can be hard hearing it, I miss those times.'

'Have you spoken to Emma recently?'

'I haven't spoken to Emma in ten years.' Tom frowned. 'She went to college and I just...I never heard from her again, I guess she got busy.'

'Did you try to contact her?'

'Yeah, for a while, but things got bad then so...' She gently took the bag off the table, 'I better run, Tom. I need to get back before Daniel, he lost his old key so we got new locks in so he doesn't have a key, he'll be locked out otherwise.'

'Of course,' he rose to his feet, noting how she never grew over the five foot three she had been when he last saw her. He realised too she lied about someone waiting for her but said nothing. 'I know this is odd, but would you mind if we met again soon?' She looked up at him, perplexed. 'I enjoyed catching up with you, not many people have time for normal talk these days, they all want to know who I know and how I can help them.'

'The joys of celebrity.' Alexianna joked before becoming serious. 'I...' Tom looked at her pleadingly. 'You have my number now, you can talk whenever you're free.'

'I promise I won't give it to anyone.' he held up his hand like he was swearing an oath.

'I know, I have far more leverage than you in this. I am a nameless no one, you are a movie star with crazy fans.' she grinned.

Tom licked his teeth, 'Yes, the ball is in your court there.'

'I would never do that Tom, you know...you can trust me.'

'I don't know you as I did,' he acknowledged. 'But the Alexianna I knew would never tell anyone anything she knew she shouldn't. I think you're still her.'

'That's a lot of faith to put on a person you have not known in years. Has that bitten your ass before now?'

'Yes, it has. I guess I am a slow learner.'

'Or the perpetual optimist,' she smiled. 'I won't give it to anyone, I have a lot of shit on teenage you and I never even uttered a word to your sisters or my brother.'

'Like what?' Tom asked curiously.

'The time you stole your mom's car and went to buy alcohol and then dinged her car on the way back.' Tom's eyes widened with horror. 'I saw you, and I said nothing.'

'Thank you.' Tom smiled. Alexianna went to extend her hand to shake his, but Tom leant forward and embraced her in a hug. Part of her wanted to pull back, but the smell of his cologne engulfed her, along with his kind gesture, making her cease her protest and embrace him back. 'You've filled out.' She noted when they moved apart.

'You too.' Tom immediately stuttered. 'Not that you are fat or anything, just that you got breasts. I mean, shit.' In a mix of hilarity and mortification, Alexianna laughed. 'I'm so sorry, I made this so awkward.'

'It's fine. I will see you soon Tom.' she turned and walked away.

When she was out of sight, Tom put his hands behind his head. 'I am a fucking idiot.'

'Do I want to know?' he turned to see Branagh behind him.

'I just bumped into an old friend today.'

'Riiiight.' the older actor asked, not seeing how that was an issue.

'I just told her she filled out, then proceeded to tell her that I did not mean to imply she was fat, but that she got breasts.' he explained. Branagh stood still for a moment, computing Tom's words before erupting in laughter. 'Yes, I have just made a tit of myself.'

It took a few moments for Branagh to cease laughing. 'Please do not tell me this "family friend" is someone you wished to pursue as something more with.' Tom did not respond, 'You don't like making life easy on yourself, do you?'

[kylermalloy]

My Official Unofficial Ranking of Supernatural Seasons That Nobody Asked For

This was...surprisingly easy. For someone who has a hard time picking favorites, I’m apparently quite eager to throw some seasons of one of my favorite shows under the bus.

My reasonings for this ranking are...all over the place. Since I’m considering seasons as a whole, I look mostly at the overall narrative structure, the prevalent themes, and the major character arcs. I won’t take individual/one-off episodes into much consideration...except for when I do. I won’t like some seasons/story arcs for any rationale between “this was sloppily executed,” “the message is misunderstood by viewers,” or even just that gif of Chris Evans “I don’t wike it.” I’m trying to look at seasons and storylines objectively, but I guarantee my Sam!girl bias will peek through at some point. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind at any point after I post this!

From bottom to top:

14 - Season 14

Ah, the twilight years of SPN. Now that we know this is the penultimate season, I’m a bit more lenient toward its shortcomings. Long running shows usually do stutter to a halt, story-wise. But still. I’m not taking it out of the bottom spot.

What was this season even about? Michael overtaking Dean? Nah, that barely lasted three whole episodes. Jack becoming evil? Not until the last six episodes. Team Free Will becoming a cohesive family unit? Lol. For a season that tried to set up Jack’s evil arc as a kid betraying his family, I hardly saw this “family” except in fanworks. The most heartfelt moments remained between Sam and Dean (not that I’m complaining about that—I loved those moments!) Was there an overarching theme besides “nobody is okay, especially Sam”? Season 14 is clumsy, unfocused, and does a poor job of telling the story it tried to tell. Even Mary’s second death reeked of “well, we didn’t know what to do with her and we needed a tragedy.” Oh yeah, and John was back for a hot minute.

13 - Season 9

Here’s one of these weird seasons. I like it, but I don’t. It’s well done, but it’s terrible. Also, I’m taking fan response into consideration on this one, since it colored my perception of it so negatively.

Season 9 could have been great. In a way, it was great. It was Dean’s dark arc—the part of Dean’s dark arc that I like. I’m not here to debate, just lay out the story. Dean stepped over a line. He tricked Sam into possession, lied to him for months, then refused to apologize afterward. He took the Mark of Cain as a penance, but it blew up in his face and turned him into something worse than he was before.

This is where fan response comes in. Fandom (from what I can tell; I wasn’t here back then) vilified Sam for setting boundaries with Dean, overwhelmingly siding with poor Dean who just didn’t want to be alone. The show, on paper, wasn’t trying to make the audience think this, but the POVs were skewed in such a way that we hardly got a chance to see Sam’s perspective and Sam’s trauma—so casual viewers didn’t really have a choice.

On a completely unrelated note (see, this is why this season is ranked so low) we have the angel storyline. What could’ve been a really cool and impactful story of celestial beings walking the earth, as well as Castiel exploring his new humanity in a way (that wasn’t just about sex) ended up a trite, dull affair about underdeveloped politics and characters I don’t care about. Did Metatron (the supposed big bad) even care about the Winchesters? I can’t remember. Only the actor’s indulgently entertaining performance saves that character. Even Castiel’s human arc was so short and ignored I sometimes forget it happened. This was a season that was so all over the place—good bones, bad execution.

12 - Season 12

This season is just...forgettable. Yet another season that was so all over the place—but unlike season 9, the story arcs did not culminate in a cool twist that pushed the SPN story to new heights. We had the BMOL, Mary’s return, and the Lucifer/Kelly/Dagon/nephilim story, and...honestly I can barely remember anything about them. The twisting story threads got interlocked at some points, like Mary working with the BMOL, and Sam and Dean working with them to take down Lucifer, but the threads were all wrapped up independently. To me, this suggests a lack of true investment in the stories and season arcs. Ultimately, Mary’s return was utterly wasted, the BMOL might as well have never existed, and the Lucifer storyline is a bloody, bloated carcass being dragged along behind the show by a fraying rope (called Buckleming) complete with a bad smell.

The reason I rank this season above season 9 is that I don’t shudder when I hear people talking about season 12. I don’t generally get angry when I think about it (except the way they did Crowley dirty) and it did give us Jack, the greatest fanon projection the show has ever given us. (I’ll elaborate on that in a minute)

11 - Season 10

This is the season in which I don’t like Dean’s dark arc. By that I mean...it wasn’t much of a dark arc. Instead of exploring Dean’s inner darkness and the choices that led him to take the MoC, we get a meandering season of (pretty enjoyable) one-offs. We are repeatedly told Dean can’t fight off what he truly is—except we’re also being told that Dean can’t truly control what the MoC is doing to him, meaning the MoC isn’t what he truly is. It’s a mixed message, and it ends up being too many episodes in a row of Dean staring moodily at his arm while he drinks. Sorry, an ancient tribal tattoo does not a compelling big bad make.

Speaking of bad guys, though, season 10 gave us Rowena! And more Crowley material! And the Stynes—wait, no. We don’t talk about...whatever they were.

I do like Sam’s determination to save Dean, and I even like the underhanded methods he used to get the MoC off. Charlie’s death was a horrifying shock, but it actually fed the story very well. And I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about individual episodes, but Soul Survivor and Fan Fiction are both epic.

10 - Season 8

...this season. This season is such a mixed bag you could almost rank it as two separate seasons! ;) This was Jeremy Carver’s first season as showrunner—and while I like what he ended up doing, I hated the way he played with the brother dynamics throughout the season, especially the first half. Season 8 starts out disjointed, very unconnected from the previous season. The story thread of “Sam didn’t look for Dean” is overplayed and very tired. Also a bit of a reach, considering the season 5 finale. My point is, Sam and Dean both act like pod people for the first part of this season. Dean is mad at Sam for...doing exactly what Dean himself did a few years ago (fandom misses the nuance of Dean’s hypocrisy and jumps right in the blame-Sam boat with him) and Sam is suddenly...living with a strange woman we barely get to meet and okay with not hunting anymore?

This is another example of the skewed POVs hurting the show’s message. We don’t get to see Sam’s grief the same way we saw Dean’s struggle in purgatory, and since Sam’s Amelia arc makes very little sense anyway, we’re forced to imagine it—and this is a disservice to both Sam and the overarching story.

However, the saving grace of season 8 is the second half. We get the bunker, the Trials storyline, which is a whump goldmine for my Sam-loving heart, and one of the best season finales this show has ever produced. I mean...they got married. In a CHURCH! I’m not really a wincester, but seriously how do you not ship it just a little when the show gives you stuff like THAT?!

*deep breath* I’m good. Moving on!

9 - Season 13

I...have a soft spot for this season. Anybody who follows me on here can probably guess why. That’s right, it’s Jack, the greatest fanon projection the show has ever gifted us.

Let me explain. The narrative structure of the season is a mess. The exploratory theme of Sam and Dean as parents is derailed by the fact that Sam and Dean spend less than six episodes with their surrogate child and spend the rest of the season spinning their wheels until it’s time for the finale. Lucifer as a villain doesn’t give a crap about the protagonists, which makes him a really boring and terrible antagonist—to say nothing of the fact that two of the writers try to make him sympathetic and end up assassinating the character harder than Michael!Dean did. I only found Scoobynatural mildly entertaining. As for Asmodeus...who’s that?

Basically, the only shining light in this season besides the brothers is Jack. And we don’t even get a consistent characterization of him. He’s essentially a blank slate, which means we as fans and fanwork creators get to make him whatever we want. While he’s supposedly the Winchesters’ kid in canon, it’s rarely shown—that falls on us as fans to make a reality. And boy do we make it reality! This is where I found my corner of fandom, and that’s why this mess of a season ranks relatively high for me. Still in the bottom half, but it gave me one of the greatest gifts the show has ever given.

8 - Season 7

I shouldn’t have to defend myself, but while most of the fandom harbors a little black spot of hatred for this season...I don’t. Like, at all.

I don’t agree with all the creative choices of this season—the Leviathans were an out-of-nowhere big bad with no connection to the Winchesters. However, the guy who played Dick Roman did a fantastic job hamming it up. And I love how all the pieces came together in the end—Sam and Dean, Cas, Crowley, even Meg as a surprise reluctant hero. We also got Charlie! And Kevin! Bobby got a fantastic arc, both before he died and from beyond the grave. And Crowley, even though he helped win the day, also rigged the game so he took all the pieces left on the board. Mad respect for my king.

Also, as a stalwart fan of Sam whump, Sam’s hallucination storyline was all kinds of awesome. (Except for how it abruptly ended and was never spoken of again)

I know objectively this season isn’t very good, but I still find myself rewatching it a surprising amount. I have a soft spot for Sera’s storytelling, and she did not have complete control over the creative decisions for this year. Season 7 only barely misses out of the top half.

7 - Season 3

This season is great, it really is. I think the main reason I rank it so low is because of the shortened season—Sam’s aborted arc. And that was obviously out of everyone’s control; the creators had to just pick up the pieces and make do with what circumstances gave them.

Basically, I don’t have anything bad to say about this season. It’s a brother-lovefest, it gives us Bela and Ruby, and yes we get some truly great one-off eps. Bad Day at Black Rock, A Very Supernatural Christmas, Mystery Spot, Jus in Bello, and Ghostfacers are among my favorite episodes to rewatch. I just mainly miss the end of Sam’s arc. Although I do appreciate the writers’ strike giving us Castiel instead, I still wish we could’ve gotten to see boyking!Sam save his brother.

6 - Season 2

While on the surface season 2 is barely different than season 1, it also gives us loads of gamechangers. It’s the coming-of-age season—Sam and Dean aren’t kids anymore; in fact, they aren’t anyone’s kids. The season bookends of John’s death and Sam’s death make a horrible tragedy that I don’t even care much what’s in the middle.

But then again, everything in between is so good. There’s not much of an overarching story, just a sense of dread and desperation as...something...draws near. (We don’t even know what it is, but it still scares us! It’s masterful!) The tone is consistent and effective, the brother dynamics are still balanced enough to fully enjoy, and of course...there’s Playthings. :)

(Y’all are gonna stop believing me when I say I’m not a wincester, I can feel it. What can I say, I have incestuous shipping tendencies.)

5 - Season 11

This is a season that I could tear limb from limb for falling so flat in the end, but...somehow I can’t bring myself to. I didn't find myself into the Amara storyline too much, mainly because the God/Darkness sibling dynamic wasn’t developed enough to parallel with Sam and Dean invest in. But this season does an awesome job of healing the brother dynamics. While seasons 8, 9, and 10 were fight-heavy, Sam and Dean spend this season in relative peace. In times of potential crisis, they band together instead of fracturing apart. And that, honestly, is enough for me to forgive...well, a lot, plotwise. The Dean/Amara connection that went nowhere, the Casifer storyline that went nowhere, the Darkness’s grudge against her brother that...went nowhere...and I’m not even going to touch on the Sam/Lucifer dynamic that started out SO GOOD and then...well...

Again, I’m not going to touch on it. I love this season despite its flaws.

4 - Season 1

Here it is. The season that started it all. I said I was going to consider mostly narrative structures for this ranking, yet here season 1 is without much of a narrative structure, fourth from the top.

The first season of a show is always the feel-around-in-the-dark season. This is where we learn the rules of the show, how the world works, and most importantly, who our characters are. We spend 22 episodes with the writers and actors just...figuring out who Sam and Dean are, most especially who they are to each other. They were so successful in this that they spawned a fifteen year phenomenon centered around this fraternal love story. As an additional plus, since the characters were so new, season 1 gives us the most balanced POV between the brothers. We get to feel for both of them without being pitted against each other, and I appreciate that more than words.

The horror is old-school, the storytelling can be a bit cliche, but every show has an origin story and I’m in love with this one.

3 - Season 6

Again, I love Sera Gamble’s storytelling. It’s most evidenced here in her first year of showrunning. This season had the astronomical task of following up season 5. How do you follow up the literal apocalypse?

...Astoundingly well. To me at least.

This season’s narrative structure is my favorite. It’s kind of a noir thriller, with more twists and turns than Supernatural usually gets. In fact, having now watched Vampire Diaries and The Originals, season 6 of SPN kind of echoes those shows. (I don’t think it’s coincidence that TVD aired its first season one year prior to this)

Instead of trying to outdo the literal devil (the mistake of latter seasons) we spend most of season 6 not knowing who the big bad is. We meet a few baddies, get backstabbed by former friends, and we’re told Raphael is a threat, but in the end the big bad was the friend we made along the way—Castiel. It’s depressing, it’s not what we expected, and it’s honestly a departure from “traditional” SPN. But I like it. I like it a lot. If Sera had been allowed to do more seasons like this, she probably would’ve stayed longer.

2 - Season 4

I love a lot of things about this season. The way they handled the angels was great—the right way to do unknowably powerful beings. I like Sam’s dark arc. It’s coupled perfectly with his good intentions and his all-consuming love for his brother. The plot twist at the end is perfect—Sam, in doing the right thing, unleashes the worst evil this world has (yet) known.

The tone is also perfect. It’s dark. A little edgier. Edging toward eldritch horror rather than ghost horror. Balanced out with light episodes that pack a hard punch in the feels regardless. And this is a little thing, but the color grading shifts back to more sepia after the technicolor of season 3. It gives us this little sense of dread throughout the season without even knowing why.

I could complain about the skewed POVs, about how fandom still sometimes crows “Dean was right about Lilith!” when all Dean opposed was Ruby and the demon blood—he wanted killed Lilith too. But as this instance of POV-warp serves the storyline in a good, necessary way, and Sam truly did need to be brought back from his dark path, I’m choosing to ignore it.

1 - Season 5

Are we surprised? Maybe some Sam fans are—I know some who get vexed about the blame for the apocalypse being solely and constantly placed on Sam...but I’m not. The overall story of season 5 is just so good. Lucifer is a good villain in this season. Sam and Dean have an excellent healing arc. The angels are good villains, also ironic mouthpieces of the overarching themes—despite touting “fate” and “unavoidable,” they are champions of free will, since they do whatever they want in their father’s absence. Zachariah most notably. Castiel was utilized in a good way (whereas now he struggles to still have purpose in the show) Bobby and Crowley both were good in this season (and also sparked a rarepair that’s—hilariously—canon) and this season did not pull any punches when it came to death. Even the main protagonists were shot point-blank halfway through the season! (Don’t talk to me about the samulet, I can’t do it without bawling)

And Swan Song remains my favorite season finale and overall episode. Dean relinquishing control of his little brother, allowing him to make the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of the world. I still halfway wish the series ended with Sam and Dean both throwing themselves into the Cage, destroying themselves for the world, out of love for each other. (insert “poetic cinema” meme)

And there we have it! To my mutuals, I’d love to hear your thoughts or your rankings. And to @letsgobethegoodguys - Steph, since this was so hard for you, I did it myself so I could feel your pain. 😘

[sinkxdie]

It’s All About Punk Show on Tour #1 (#20)

Photo: Episode cover. Picture was made in Boston in summer ’19.

It’s All About Punk Show #20.

Interview with Alexander Herbert. 

Location: Boston, MA. 

Date: June ’19.

Edited by Alexander Herbert.

Introduction

This interview was the first one I made out of the FSK studio (*Freies Sender Kombinat, Radio station in Hamburg) and the first one from abroad. It was made in Boston, MA together with Alex Herbert, a great guy who is running Punks Around Fanzine and wrote the book about history of Russian punk. I didn’t know Alex in person before, but we wrote each other few times after my show about Russian punk for Maximum Rock’n’Roll Radio. He wrote me that he had the same idea, but was waiting until his book was published. That’s how we got to know each other. We exchanged some messages on facebook from time to time, and one day he wrote me that he is going to Russia in the summer (2019) and will be in Switzerland and in Berlin on the way there and back, and he asked if I’d be willing to make a radio show with him. It was funny, because I was already planning a trip to the East Coast of the US and Boston was on the list, so that’s how it worked in the end.

Interview

Intro: Test of Time – Matter of Taste

Me: Hey Ho! Let’s go! It’s All About Punk Show. Here’s DJ Wasted.Again and I’m in Boston, MA right now, visiting a friend who lives here, it’s Alex. Can you introduce yourself, Alex? 

Alex: Hey hey, It’s Alex! Now I live in Boston, I lived in Chicago for a little bit. A lot of you guys might know me, I’ve just came out with a book, a history of Russian punk rock, so we can go over some of that and then I also run a fanzine out of Boston called Punks Around—stickers are all over the toilets, it’s how I advertise😊 And… I go to shows a lot, you know, just hanging out. 

Me: Yeah, that’s cool. So, as Alex said, it will be kind of a show partly about the book he wrote, Russian bands he likes, about his experience visiting Russia and then we’ll play some local bands from Boston and around. The first song will be «Войны для войнов» (Eng. Wars for warriors) by the band «Отдел самоискоренения» (Eng. Department of Self-Eradication). 

Track 1. Отдел Самоискоренения – Войны для войнов

Track 2. Наив – Танки-панки 

Track 3. Проверочная Линейка – Папа 

Me: So, you’ve probably just heard the song by the band «Проверочная Линейка» (Eng. Straight Edge), we can’t decide right now which one, because we’re recording this podcast remotely, and we’ll put songs after. They we’ll be written somewhere, I guess 

Alex: Set in stone somewhere 

Me: the song before was by Naïve, called Tanks punks 

Alex: everyone’s heard of it, who knows Russian punk 

Me: yeah. How actually did you come to the idea to write a book about history of Russian punk scene? 

Alex: Mostly because, when I went to Russia for the first time, I think it was 2012, to study the language in Nizhniy Novgorod (also Nizhniy)… You know, I had like tattoos and all that stuff at that time, and I was studying at the linguistic university and somebody who did graffiti found me and they were like, “Oh, you’re interested in punk music” and they brought me to a Partybreaker Show 

Me: It’s a cool band 

Alex: Yeah, when they lived in Nizhniy. The experience of that was still dangerous. You know in the west a lot of shows now, they are not as dangerous as it was there. So, that experience made me realize that Russian punks are not like everybody else, I mean punks in the west, the scene is kind of young, especially in the provinces and stuff like that. Of course I learned later, I looked it up when I got home that night, after the Partybreaker Show, but if you think of Svin (*Andrey "Svin" Panov of Avtomaticheskie udovletvoriteli) or even Egor Letov (*Yegor Letov of Grazhdanskaya Oborona) and Grazhdanskaya Oborona, kind of really making moves, (I mean Svin may be in 70’s) Russian punk doesn’t really pick up until the early 80’s, because in the west, if you consider proto punk and kind of that, it started a lot earlier. So, just the youthfulness of that and the fact that Russia was extremely late to hardcore for example, they didn’t have it through out of the 80’s until they started to play faster punk music. That all fascinated me. 

Me: That’s cool. How long does it take actually to write a book? You visited Russia few times, how many, like 5 or so? 

Alex: so, I’ve been to Russia a total of 4 times now and it was one of those things that… like I said, the first time I was in Nizhniy Novgorod and I wasn’t interviewing in that summer at all, I was just doing language study and then the 2nd time I was living in Moscow. That’s when this idea of doing this oral history style really came to me, because people seemed eager to tell their stories about whether they were involved in the anti-fascist movement or they were in a band or they were from the provinces, like they were in a struggling band from the provinces. The idea of interviewing people just was more fascinating to me and especially in a tradition like oral history that already exists in punk, it’s all more oral histories, letting people talk for themselves, really diy way of doing it. 

Me: Yeah. And we’ll continue playing some songs, the next one will be… 

Track 4. Distress – Resource of war

Track 5. Unbroken Bones – Empire of the City 

Track 6. Minefield – Ш��у 2012 

Track 7. Minefield – Destroy (RAW Power)

Photo: Minefield. Photo from bandcamp 

Me: Hey again. You’ve just heard 2 songs by the band Minefield. I actually don’t know the band, they’re from Izhevsk, and they’re really cool. Can you tell something about them? 

Alex: Yeah. It really became kind public that I started to research a book, I had people from all different parts of Russia trying to reach out to me and invite me to their city to interview, so, I got invited to like Kazan, Izhevsk also. I didn’t think at the time of researching there was enough things happening in Kazan to spend the money to go there, because I think that «Споры» (Eng. Disputes) at that time had already broke up or were living in Moscow. There was another band from Kazan. OffXKey they also weren’t existing anymore. But I heard for some reason the bands from Izhevsk, like Minefield and then Nikita from Unbroken Bones contacted me too and that became the furthest geographical place in Russia I could imagine myself going for a summer and, so, I said, why not? and I went there. It was this crazy thriving scene in the middle of the fucking nowhere. Izhevsk, the only thing they’re famous for is the Kalashnikov Rifles, that’s really all, but that kinda created like a really great consistant scene. When I came, Sasha from Minefield organized a show, he told me like it was the first really big local show for a long time and we all had a blast. Everybody was super energetic. Sometimes, when you go to a big city, everyone is standing with their arms crossed and just watching the show, but there, everyone was dancing, and it was a lot of fun. 

Me: I don’t know if things like that are happening in Moscow right now, but when I lived there, there were plenty of really energetic shows, people were dancing like all the time. If I’ll compare this to Germany, it should be really popular band with plenty of fans, to make people dance, or band should do something, like, we won’t play anything until you start move yourself a bit. 

Alex: I think there’s 2 kinds of dancing. The first one is, when you hear the song which you know and love, like a cover song. I remember Warshit playing Seeing Red by Minor Threat , when I was in Moscow. That was the first western cover I’d heard in Russia and I thought, fuck, and I just ran up there. In the context it was really cool, because they were playing Seeing Red, in Russia, and there’s an irony to it. But there’s the other kind of dancing, like, just, if you go to hardcore shows, there’s kind of a hateful moshing, which isn’t that fun and those kids, they don’t even need to know the songs, they just hear the breakdown and start. In Izhevsk everyone was just having a blast, it was a really cool scene to document. Minefield was completely unexpected to hear and also Scrap Monsters, Sasha’s other band. There’s just a group of really great musicians that have a number of bands, that all sound amazing. 

Me: That’s cool. You’ve just showed me Maximum Rock’n’Roll (MRR) Issue with Minefield in there, that’s kind of cool, I hadn’t read it. 

Alex: I guess I’ve got two of them. Oh, there’s one right here. But yeah, I have every issue of MRR that mentions Russian bands, interviews Russian bands or does a scene report from Russia and part of that was for researching the book. 

Me: Do you feel any kind of difference between shows you had seen in Russia and here in US? Something about people, music, shows organization. 

Alex: If you had asked me that question 2 or 3 years ago my response would have been that the whole experience of the anti-fascist movement in early 2000’s, in Moscow and St. Petersburg, was something that I, growing up in the United States, had never really experienced before. I mean it was known in the certain areas that there were neo-nazis, but they never fuck with punk shows. But now, I mean now we have alt right neo-nazi people, they still don’t go to shows. There’s a sort of historical trajectory of Russian punk that went through the 90’s, the early 2000’s of anti-fascism and I think this battle with fascists in such a real way has made at least the history of Russian punk a lot more interesting than in the west. Like the story of Distemper, for example, having to say, explicitly at their shows that nazis are not allowed. I mean, I’m sure that there were bands in the west that had to say that, but it never happened in my lifetime. So, it’s crazy.

Photo: Unbroken Bones 2011-2012

Me: Yeah, that’s true. We also have many friends in common. How did you meet them, like Bagi? 

Alex: Bagi, I’ve met through Mariia actually, because he was doing East Beat Records at that time, I’m not sure if he still is. 

Me: No, I think not, since year or two they don’t do this anymore. He’s running a booking right now though. 

Alex: It became a thing, through Bagi and through others... I mean I would go to shows first of all and one of the first shows in Moscow that I went to was Komatoz, from St. Petersburg, and I would go up to Alexey Minton and I would talk to him, wanting to know more about St. Petersburg, even though we met in Moscow, and in that way I kind of expanded to other people, but mostly when it came to trying to get interviews I would ask Bagi or Alex Minton at that time, because Alex seemed to be close to a lot of the guys who were more into the corporate side of things. Like you could get access to Dima Spirin (singer and guitarist of Tarakany) through him or something like that. But it was also one of those things, when you’re interviewing someoneone and they say, “you have to talk to so and so, because they know more than me.” And rather than just letting that pass I actually sought that person out and talked to them more about what happened, to such a point where, in 2018, when I finally finished the interviews I had to stop myself because it’s just kind of… I described it like a nesting doll, because you get one source and you dig deeper, and deeper, deeper and deeper and you just keep going, I had to stop it at some point—you can’t keep going to the microscopic. That’s why in the introduction I had to say that I don’t doubt that I missed something, for example, Sektor Gaza is not in the book at all. There’s nobody from Sektor Gaza and I know that somebody might be like, “oh, you didn’t have them,” but you know, I don’t care, because you can only do so much and I think I did reach out to the remaining members of Sektor Gaza and none of them responded to me. 

Me: You know it was kind of the big poppy band at that time, I used to visit the cemetery where is the grave of Yura Hoy and we were just drinking there with some crazy people cognac, it was really funny experience. There were some locals from the city of Voronezh, totally drunk, just invited me and a friend, it seemed like great idea to spend a day. 

Alex: You know, if they were a great band, that’s fine, but don’t think that book is missing anything. 

Me: I think not 

Alex: Originally the book didn’t talk about Siberian punk at all and a couple of my friends said, “you know, you have to talk about Siberia, at least a little bit, because it was so important in the 80’s.” I was going to focus just on western Russia, St. Petersburg and Moscow, and also because Vladimir Kozlov made a movie about Siberian punk and he has made articles. Instead of going out and reinventing the wheel, I just reached out to him, so there’s chapter in the book by him, it’s the same style as the rest of the book, but its on Siberian punk. 

Me: Have you visited some festivals in Moscow at that time, like Youth a Beauty Fest or TROYKA Fest? It was like in 2010 to 2015, in the forest somewhere near Moscow. Or may be some other festivals? 

Alex: There was a festival, that I went to that summer, 2015 I think, 2014 or 2015, and it was in the woods. I went with Mariia, Bagi and Alex. That was kind of the weirdest realization in my life, because I was at a Russian underground punk festival, in the woods, serving vegan hot dogs to support this all. I was like, “where the fuck am I right now?” It’s the weirdest thing, but it was really cool. You know, a lot of people wanted to talk to me, which was also cool. Sometimes you can tell that people just wanna talk to you because you’re a foreigner and then there’s the people that genuinely wanna talk to you because they’re interested in like your music or the city that you’re from, because Boston always carries a famous name when it comes to hardcore punk. 

Me: I guess like that’s all with the part of the show about Russian music and the book “What about tomorrow? The oral history of Russian punk”. Everybody who is hearing this, just find this book and buy it, because it seems to be really cool. 

Alex: Oh, I should say, I’ll be doing talks in St. Petersburg, Moscow and Berlin this summer. I could pitch that. St. Petersburg will be June 28th, ask a punk where it is, because it will be a talk and show. Moscow will be the 29th, I’ll take a train that night, it will be in a major independent bookstore, I forgot the name, something with F. (“Falanster”), Maksim Dinkevich knows and Berlin, I’ll be at Hopscotch, it will be on August 10th. 

Me: Yeah, come to meet Alex 

Alex: And I’ll have some copies of the book too. If you’re a really fast reader, you can read it there and you can ask me why Pussy Riot are on the title for example.

Photo: Book cover 

Me: Cool. And we’re switching to the part of the show with local bands from Boston and around. The first song will be by the band… 

Alex: by Crisis Actors, who are great band, they play a lot of local shows and I’ll do Private Army by Crisis Actors  

Track 8. Crisis Actors – Private Army 

Track 9. Security – Hollow Walls 

Track 10. Security - Abandon 

Me: so, you have just heard two songs by Security, Abandoned and Hollow Walls. They are from Boston, before that was Crisis Actors also from Boston. Can you tell something about the bands? 

Alex: They’re both from Boston. Crisis Actors in particular play a lot here, at a place called the Greek American Club and also as far as I know their guitar player Jesse, who I’ve known through friends for a while helps put the shows on. They do a lot in terms of helping bringing bands into Boston, getting them a place to play. Also, anybody who’s been at Greek American Club, the old man that is in charge of it is always freaking out when the mosh pit breaks and you know, the people, who put the shows on, they go through a lot in order to make them a success. Crisis Actors have been doing their thing for a while and I thought it was worth it to play them here. 

Me: yeah, and we have next song for you, it will be 

Alex: Wound Man, We’re going to do two. They are a power violence band, they’ve just been killing it, they’re a great band  

Track 11. Wound Men – Rolled 

Track 12. Wound Men – Dead Babies 

Track 13. Hey Zeus – These Eyes 

Me: Hey, we’re back, and it was Hey Zeus, with a song These Eyes, before that were two songs by Wound Men. How do you know these bands? 

Alex: They’re from the area. Providence and Boston are so close to each other. Providence is only a 40 min drive from here. Wound Man is a power violence band. I’ve seen them twice now, extremely talented, great show, really lively. Hey Zeus is kind of, it’s cool to parallel them, because Hey Zeus is much more mellow, rock’n’roll style, but also their shows are… I have friends, that think, Hey Zeus puts on the best show right now in the area. They have like, they do this whole thing with this big gong, most of their songs are making fun of religion in some way, like their name Hey Zeus, just poke fun it in some way, and they have this giant… like one of those corny light up crosses in the background on their set. Both of those bands are killing it right now. I thought it would be cool to have them here. 

Me: And we’re going to another three songs, the next one will be by the band Hairspray Queen, here’s it…  

Track 14. Hairspray Queen – Love Enough 

Track 15. Leopard Print Taser – Things You Do 

Track 16. Cactus Attack – Wrecking Chain 

Me: Hey, we’re back again, and you’ve just heard the song by Cactus Attack, the band before was Leopard Print Taser, they will play a show tonight and we’re going there too. 

Alex: They’re playing a show at O’Brien’s, it’s a good venue.

Photo: Leopard Print Taser performing Great Scott, Allston, MA. August 14th ‘18 

Me: Yeah, and it’s almost the end. It was “It’s All About Punk Show”. If you have questions about the show, just write me email on itsallaboutpunkshow@gmail.com or leave your comments wherever you’ll find it. And thank you, Alex, for taking a part. It’s the first show, which I’m making out of Hamburg. 

Alex: Yeah, it’s a lot of fun. Just thinking about the bands to kind of put together, as you can tell, by the time we got to the local Boston and Providence bands, the music became so diverse. I should say, that Hairspray Queen is from Providence, they’re on Atomic Action, which is a great Providence label and Leopard Print Taser is from Summerville, which is right kind of close to where we are right now. Cactus Attack Hollar out to you guys, because we’re really tight, you know it. You could look the outro bands up yourself. I’m gonna play She Rides, because growing up in Providence punk, they were hugely influential for me. 

Me: So, bye bye, we’ll hear us next time, here’s is She Rides.  

Outro: 

She Rides – Rage Forever 

KiSSiNG KONTEST – 6S 

Links: 

Book: What About Tomorrow?: An Oral History of Russian Punk from the Soviet Era to Pussy Riot. 

Facebook, Microcosm

Fanzine: Punks Around

Facebook, Instagram, Bigcartel

Podcast: It’s All About Punk Show

Mixcloud, Facebook, Instagram

Photos: 

Minefield: https://minefield.bandcamp.com/ 

Unbroken Bones: https://vk.com/unbrokenbones 

Leopard Print Taser photo. http://allstonpudding.com/photos-tacocat-leopard-print-taser-gymshorts-great-scott/

[codesecretsanta]

The Warriors’ Holiday Traditions

To @furlfangs​ from @nemesisadraste​

Setting: The first holiday after they defeat X.A.N.A in season 4. Time setting: My story happens in December 2006 in order to follow the CL time line. P.s: English isn’t my first language so please be indulgent with mistakes.

1st December 2006: Jeremy called all the warriors (including William) for a meeting in his room.

William finally arrives at the meeting. It was the first time a member of the gang, other than Yumi, had contacted him since Lyoko was shut down. So it must be important. He entered the room to see Jeremy seated on his computer chair, facing the rest of the room where the others had already found their seats: Aelita was on another chair next to Einstein, and the others were on his bed. Ulrich near Jeremy, next to him was Yumi and finally, Odd was the one nearest the door, laying back with his feet on the wall and head upside down at the other side of the bed, looking at William’s funny confused expression.

Odd: Hey! Little Will! Don’t be shy, welcome to the party! Said the cat-boy while turning around to sit normally on the bed. Here, you can take my spot! He continues while getting up and sits on another chair next to Aelita.

William: Ok. He simply answers as he goes to sit next to Yumi where Odd was before. What’s this weird meeting about? Does it have something to do with X.A.N.A or Lyoko?

Jeremy: Absolutely not! I called you because, as you know, it is our first holiday together without having to worry about X.A.N.A ruining it and I realise we never actually talked about our traditions for this time of year. So I wanted to fix that.

William sat still for a moment. He was extremely happy to be invited. That means they consider him a member of the gang, but he didn’t dare say it out loud in case that reminded them that he wasn’t. He simply smiles and waits for Jeremy to continue.

Jeremy: Ok so here’s how it goes! I’ve got all our names in this Santa hat. I’ll pick one at random and this person has to tell the others about their holiday traditions. Once it is over, we’ll reuse the names to make a secret Santa. Is that good for everybody?

Ok why not? Agreed the warriors all at once.

Jeremy: Perfect let’s do this! First one to speak is…….(Drumrolls)…… Odd! So Odd? What are your holiday traditions?

Odd: Oh you know nothing big. I just go back to Italia with my family. We have some rotation process so every year a different house organizes the party and this house alone has a Christmas tree to put the gifts under. But usually it goes the same: all the people arrive around 5 o’clock then everyone talks about how the stores were a mess to go to this year and how well the house is decorated and shitty things like that until we eat dinner at 7. Then the conversations gets a little better, but I’m too busy eating to even care so… then we stay in the living room until we open the gifts around 10. The host puts on a Santa suit and delivers the gifts and once they’ve all been opened we go to the midnight mass and then everyone goes back to their homes. That’s it. For New Year we just shout out the countdown for midnight and kiss each other a happy New Year that’s all. Usually I just wait for the season to be over and I can’t wait to come back here with you!

Aelita: Why? Your family sounds fun to party with!

Odd: Oh it would be fun if I didn’t have to anticipate my sisters’ “joke” and spend the whole night recovering from it.

Ulrich: Funny I thought you’d be the joker.

Yumi: Maybe karma does exist at some point (Laughs)

Odd: (suddenly very serious) If that is karma I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Everyone stays quiet for a while… What kind of jokes would scare Odd and take him that long to recover? He who never seems to be affected by anything… William was about to ask the question out loud when Jeremy, in order to change the mood, broke the silence.

Jeremy: Ok next one is (He puts his hand in the hat, mixes the papers and gets one out of it.) Ulrich!

Ulrich: Well that would be short I don’t have any.

William: What? How come? I though Dutch people celebrated Christmas!

Ulrich: Dutch people do! But my father doesn’t. I mean I used to get the Santa thing and all but my father learned somewhere that 7 years old was the rational age and he thinks that means to be little adults so a week or so after my 7th birthday, he spoiled it all about Santa and his magic elves not being real and even forbid me from watching “stupid children’s cartoons” anymore. Since then Christmas at my place is a business one where he invites everyone from his office and smooth talks the no-lifes who come. Same for New Year.

Yumi: Wow… I knew you didn’t have the father of the year but killing all the magic at once like that is just… super cruel.

Ulrich: It was just imaginary bullshit anyway so I don’t care. Who’s next Einstein?

Einstein: Yeah sure… ok (he mixes the paper in the hat again starting to feel uncomfortable with the whole thing… He did it for them to have fun not to relive holiday traumas… he didn’t even know such things could exist! Not so close to him at least.) Next one to share their holiday traditions is Yumi!

Yumi: Ok well don’t worry it won’t be awkward. (Everyone laughs nervously.) In Japan Christmas is a friends/couples holiday not a family one. On the 24th my parents go to a romantic dinner and I stay with Hiroki. We eat take-out fried chicken and watch some Christmas movies until we fall asleep on the couch and on the 25th we exchange secret Santa gifts in the morning. New Year is for family! We all go to my aunt Akemi in Japan from December 27th to January 5th and it is a time to clean, repair/replace everything broken and make resolutions to start the New Year on fresh good bases. It is very fun and I look forward it every year!

Jeremy: That sounds very cool!

Ulrich: Yeah can I go with you?

Yumi: Not for Christmas. Hiroki and I picked mom and dad on the secret Santa for the first time so we decided to only watch one movie while eating the fried chicken and then clean the whole house and then go to Millie’s house (guess who asked for that) for the night and the next day so our parents will have some time alone.

Ulrich: Oh that’s nice! And for New Year? Can I go to Japan with you? My dad probably won’t notice I’m gone for a week.

Yumi: If you pay your ticket I’m sure my dad won’t mind.

Ulrich: (totally broke) Forget it. But I’ll save up for next year.

Yumi: Fine by me said Yumi smiling.

Jeremy: Great! Now next one is……………………………………. William!

It took a few seconds for the ex Xana-warrior to realise his name was called. He didn’t realise he was actually in the hat, part of the gang.

Odd: Will? Do you plan on talking today? Cause if not I’m gonna get some snacks.

William: What?! Oh yeah it’s my turn… Ok well my dad and I are kind of Christmas freaks so all December we decorate the entire house. We would start sooner, but my mom doesn’t allow anything Christmassy until December 1st so… Anyway on the 24th we get my dad’s family here in France and it is a big super fun party until the Christmas mass. They go but I don’t because I’m atheist and I find it disrespectful to go to places of worship when you don’t believe their meaning.

Ulrich: So they leave you alone at home?

William: I’m not a kid I can take care of myself for a couple of hours! I just watch "Christmas Vacation" while finishing the party snacks. And on the 25th we go to my mom’s family in Quebec. Thanks to the time difference (Quebec is 6 hours late from France) we can get some sleep before going and still spend the entire Christmas day with them. Or the entire week since we stay for New Year which is really fun at their place and we all watch "Le Bye-Bye", a show where some popular local actors make comic sketches about what happens during the year. It is fun and my grand-mother explains every joke cause since we live in France, she thinks we don’t know anything about what happens in the rest of the world. It is useful sometime though… especially when they refer to Quebec TV shows so we let her do it. And that’s pretty much it so…

Jeremy: Cool… I didn’t know your mom was from Quebec.

William: Yeah they met during one of my dad’s business trips. I was even born and grew up there! I was 6 when we moved to France for my dad’s job. I never told you that?

All: Nope.

William: Ok, well now I just did.

Jeremy: Very interesting! Ok now there is only two left!

Yumi: The cute chubby couple! Screamed the manga fan, making everyone look at her in shock because of how unusual this sort of enthusiasm was from her. What?! They are a cute chubby couple. She adds pointing at Jeremy and Aelita.

Jeremy: Thanks! Ok so the first Chubby to talk about holiday traditions is……. Princess!

Aelita: Did you really write princess? She check out the paper to see that yes, he did.

Jeremy: And I wrote Einstein for mine he says while taking the last piece of paper to prove it. Though it was funny… It is funny right?

Odd: I give you my approval! But you lose points for not writing "Little Will”.

William looks at Odd angrily. What would it take for him to stop calling him that?

Odd: More than you could ever do in a life-time. Answered the trouble-maker as if he had read his mind.

William gets a little scared by it and manages to avoid eye contact with him for the rest of the meeting.

Aelita: I don’t remember. I was 6 when the men in black kidnapped my mom and after that Hopper didn’t celebrate any special days. He focused on Lyoko and his work as a teacher.

The room’s energy suddenly drops real deep down into sadness and compassion. Jeremy takes his princess into his arms and Aelita hugs him back for several long seconds before she gently pushes him back and wipes her little silent tears with her hands.

Jeremy: You know what? I’m sure you’ll find a way to make your own traditions and maybe this year I could share mine with you if you want.

Aelita: I’d love that! What are they?

Jeremy: I’m Jewish so I celebrate Hanukkah!

Ulrich: The thing with the candles?

Jeremy: It is more complicated than just "the thing with the candles" but yes. And since I’m the only one who hasn’t spoken yet I’ll be glad to explain it. A long time ago, a Seleucid king of Syria took control over the kingdom of Judea. He let the Jews do their own things but when his son took his place, wanting to unify his kingdom, he made it illegal to practice Judaism and to study the Torah. He wanted everyone to worship the Greek gods. Now many went along with it. But when the king invaded Jerusalem, a group of rebels called the Maccabees fought them for 3 years and once they pushed the invaders out, they had to rededicate the temple. To do so they needed to light the Menorah. Now they only had oil to light it for a day but it miraculously lasted eight days and eight nights. We call it "the miracle of the cruse of oil". And to commemorate this miracle and the victory associated with it, each year for Hanukkah we light the eight candles of the Menorah. One more each night during the eight nights of Hanukkah.

Aelita: What a nice story! I can’t wait to see the candle-lighting myself!

Jeremy: If you like how I tell the story you should hear when Jim does it! He is a good story teller despite what his "I’d rather not talk about it" anecdote suggests.

Ulrich: You mean Jim is Jewish too?

Jeremy: Yes! And so are some of the other boarding students. You see, Hanukkah isn’t exactly on the same date every year. Most of the time it happens before the holiday break. That means some boarders like me can’t be there for the menorah lighting with their family. And as real Menorahs (meaning not electric ones) are not allowed in the rooms for safety reasons, Jim does the lighting and the blessings each night in one of the classrooms so the students who want to attend can be there. And we can stay for the time that it burns which means half an hour or an hour and half. Non-Jews are allowed too if they stay respectful.

Odd: Cool! What time is it this year? I wanna see that! Promise I’ll behave I know this is serious.

Jeremy: You better! This year in 2006 Hanukkah starts the night of December 15th and finishes on December 23rd. But now it’s secret Santa time! I’ll put the names back in the hat and everyone pick the name of the person they’re gonna buy a gift for. Once you’re done, give it to Millie and Tamiya. They will give them to me once they’ve received them all and I’ll give you your gifts before we leave for the break. We all open them on December 25th at midnight on our own and not before then all right? We’ll talk about it when the break is over.

Jeremy puts the names back in the hat and shakes it to mix them randomly. After that, he passes the hat around the gang so everyone can pick a name. Odd was the last one and after reading the name he lets out a big sigh.

Odd: Oh damn I picked mine!

Everyone sighs heavily and puts their paper back except for William who instead says:

William: No you didn’t!

Odd: (With the greatest smile he’s ever had) Oh right I picked princess… guess that means you picked me!

Odd’s smile changes into a laugh when he sees William’s face as he realises he fell into Odd’s trap to find out who picked his name. Ulrich joins him while the others just look annoyed by his joke.

Jeremy: Seriously Odd! Now we’ve got to do it over because of your stupid joke! Ok all the papers are in? Good now Odd you pick first this time!

And everyone picks their recipient and goes back to their normal lives waiting for the big day.

Bonus: Who picks who and what was their gift?

Jeremy picks Aelita and gives her a necklace so he can finally say he is the giver without lying.

Aelita picks Jeremy and gives him Lyoko stats that she made herself since the supercomputer didn’t.

Yumi picks Odd and gives him a picture of the Lyoko gang so he remembers he still has a good family despite his blood-sucking one.

Odd picks Ulrich and gives him the “Pacific Rim” DVD cause it makes him think of Ulrich and Yumi.

William picks Yumi and gives her an antique looking glass so she never forgets how awesome she is.

Ulrich picks William and gives him an elf suit and he went to his house with a Santa suit and they had a merry XXX-mas.

Hope you enjoy it! Give me your comments! On my Tumblr (@nemesisadraste​ or @aidosshadow​).

[eldritchsurveys]

209.

Are you a mean drunk? >> Not unless I also happen to have sensory overload or something else that overrides my ability to be sanguine.

Do you listen to a lot of mainstream music? >> Sure, I suppose. To be honest, I’m not sure what qualifies as “mainstream” anymore; I feel like it used to be a lot easier to make that divide.

Do you think you're pretty? >> That’s not the word I’d use, personally.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? >> Yes.

Do you go clubbing? >> No.

Are you a hopeless romantic? >> Not unless it’s on behalf of fictional characters.

When do you have to wake up tomorrow? >> Whenever I damn well please.

Do you think Ludacris is ugly? >> No.

Do you fit any stereotype? >> Yeah, probably. Shoving people into stereotypes is kind of an art form amongst us as people, so I imagine it wouldn’t be difficult to do it to me.

Do you associate songs with memories? >> Yeah, the things I remember best usually have songs attached to them to help the memory persist.

What's the weather like where you live? >> Right now? Snowy. :|

What's your opinion of Lady Gaga? >> I like her music.

Do you appreciate raunchy humor? >> Sometimes.

Do you ever listen to Lily Allen? >> No.

Have you ever been racist? >> I’m sure I have.

Have you ever added someone you don't know on Facebook? >> No.

Do you make playlists? >> I have a couple on Spotify but I rarely do anything with them. Except for the Shower playlist, because obviously I use that when I shower.

What's your worst feature? >> *shrug*

Have you ever kept a diary? >> I’ve kept quite a few.

Do you actually use your calendar? >> I don’t have a [paper] calendar.

Do you have dirty pictures in your phone? >> No.

Have you ever looked up porn on the internet? >> Yes.

Are you an angry person? >> Yeah, I’m pretty angry about some things. Mostly it manifests as depression, because I’m not really aggressive by nature.

Are you close with your family? >> ---

What kind of music do you listen to when you're sad? >> Usually just stuff I like. I don’t necessarily gravitate towards sad-sounding music.

Do you like hippie jewlery? >> Uh.

Have you ever used the word "groovy"? >> Probably.

What are your grades like? >> ---

Have you ever watched the original british skins? >> No.

Do you like oreos? >> No. I do like crushed-up Oreo (the cookie part) in like McFlurries and shit. I like the texture.

Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you barely know? >> Most of my sex dreams have been about either celebrities or some NPC my brain made up for the purpose of the dream.

Were you a cute baby? >> I don’t know, probably.

Do you ever listen to angry girl music? >> Uh...

Would you ever shoot someone right in the face? >> Probably not.

Have you ever sold drugs? >> No. I mean, let’s be real, even if I had I probably wouldn’t tell the internet.

What color are your headphones? >> Black.

What are you like first thing in the morning? >> It depends on how I woke up.

Do you get crazy sex hair? >> No.

Do you download your music illegaly? >> Not anymore, I just use Spotify now. It’s easier.

Have you ever crashed a wedding? >> No.

Were you a blink 182 fan back in the day? >> No, I just liked a couple of songs.

Were you ugly in middle school? >> To me, I was.

Have you ever been to Boulder Colorado? >> No.

Do you rage against conformity? >> Not necessarily.

Have you ever yelled at a self check out machine? >> No. Sparrow does that sometimes, but they don’t really frustrate me.

Have you ever been shot? >> No.

Is everything going to be okay? >> I mean, yeah. Eventually we’ll be dead, which automatically means we’ll not have anything else to worry about, so.

Are you stoned right now? >> No.

Do you listen to Sublime? >> I listen to two Sublime songs.

Has someone ever understood you more than your understood yourself? >> I don’t think so.

Are you on good terms with your parents? >> ---

Have you ever written a letter to Santa just for kicks? >> No.

What's your opinion on border control? >> I avoid forming yes/no opinions about complicated issues that I know I don’t understand the full extent of.

Do some people have way too much time on their hands? >> I don’t know, maybe. Depends on how they feel about it.

Do you ever drink 5 hour energy shots? >> I drank this ONCE and it was the most disgusting thing I’d ever tasted. ...It did work, though, I’ll say that much. But it really ain’t worth it for me.

Does country music ever make you cry? >> I don’t listen to enough of it to have had that experience.

Have you ever had a moment so wonderful it felt like magic? >> Yeah.

Have you ever snorted pixie sticks? >> Yeah, lmao.

Are you okay on your own? >> I am, generally.

Does your face twitch when you're about to cry? >> I don’t think so.

If heaven and hell are real, which one are you going to? >> Well, I don’t know. Because some doctrine says that if you’ve ever at all said the words “I accept Christ as lord and saviour”, then you’re perma-covered like some divinely good health insurance, and all your sins past present and future are forgiven and so on. And I did say those words as a child, because I was raised Christian... so even though I don’t consider myself Christian now, I wonder if there’s like a “no-takebacksies” kind of thing going on and St Peter would have to let me in the pearly gates regardless because of what I said when I was like eight. Or maybe another sect is right, and I’m going to Hell because [I’m a heathen/I’m queer/I don’t go to church/I say “goddamn” and “fuck” a lot]. Seems to me like it’s a crapshoot regardless.

Have you ever had a premonition? >> I don’t know, maybe.

Did you ever try cutting yourself? >> Yeah. Succeeded, too.

Do empty streets creep you out? >> Sometimes.

Have you ever seen your dad cry? >> No.

What's the last concert you went to? >> Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Have you ever gotten sick of taking about yourself? >> No. Hence why I’m still taking these 10+ years later.

Could you ever be a therapist? >> No.

Have you ever made yourself throw up? >> Yeah.

Do you know someone who looks like one of the beach boys? >> I don’t know, I’m not sure what the Beach Boys even look like.

Are your nails currently painted pink or purple? >> No.

Do you adore mini sticky notes? >> Uh, no. I mean, they’re convenient and all, but I’m not in love with them or anything.

Do you have bad short term memory? >> Not spectacularly.

What's a song that will always give you the chills? >> I don’t know.

Have you had any major tragedies in your life? >> No.

What do you think of open casket funerals? >> I think they’re creepy as all hell-- not the “looking at a dead body” part, that makes sense to me, it’s just the painting-up of the dead body so they look... like they’re sleeping??? How does that help? I thought the point of viewing the body was to come to terms with the fact that said person is in fact dead and aid the grieving process. What purpose does the makeup serve? (I’m not terribly fond of the funeral industry in general, if that’s any indication.)

Are you bad at spelling? >> No.

Have you ever had a pet rat? >> No.

What do you binge on? >> Uh... nothing? I guess?

Do you want a cigarette right now? >> Nope.

Can you shake your ass? >> A bit.

Do you know someone named Dick? >> No.

Do you have a childish sense of humor? >> I don’t think so? I mean, maybe. I would laugh at silly things kids laugh at, but I don’t think that makes my humour childish, per se.

Do you like free samples? >> I mean, sure.

Are you a coupon fiend? >> No.

Who would you love to be with right now? >> Hm.

Could you go a year without sex? >> Yes, and longer besides.

Are you wearing any rings? >> No.

Are you homophobic? >> No, but I’ve done things that would be considered homophobic because I didn’t know any better at the time.

Do spiders make you jump around and squeal like a little girl? >> No.

Are you a sexist pig? >> No, but see the homophobia answer.

Have you screamed at anyone in the past week? >> No.

Do you have road rage? >> No.

Have you ever made yourself look like a fool for love? >> I don’t know, probably.

Did you ever see the harry potter movies on opening night? >> No.

Could you ever eat a worm? >> If I had a compelling enough reason to, sure.

Do you have low self esteem? >> Sometimes.

When you hang out with someone a lot do you start to pick up their habits? >> Some of them, yeah. It’s part of the whole masking thing-- mirroring is a masking cheat code.

Have you ever called your mom a bitch? >> ---

Do you have a cute laugh? >> I don’t know???

Do you write on your arms/hands? >> I used to, but I don’t have much reason to anymore.

Do you believe that you can get ink poisoning from that? >> No.

Do you think you're gonna sleep okay tonight? >> All one can do is hope.

[deveharrington]

Why do you think D does not acknowledge his relationships? He didn't admit to his relationship with G even though there was plenty of affection and they both appeared to be at there happiest, and he doesn't mention this relationship at all even though they are together a lot. There doesn't appear to be, st least publically, any affection with M. Is this a friends with benefits or could he himself be embarrassed about the age difference? Any thoughts?

Disclaimer: theories, not facts. 

1. Honestly,  anon….. NO CLUE I think he just wants things both ways or a million ways and bottom line: always HIS way. Also, it seems like he somehow considers himself detached from the flow of time or karma or consequences because he is so damn reckless thoughtless and it seems like he is only motivated by vindictiveness A.K.A. the past. (theory: he has an insane fear of death, so insane he’ll completely deny who he is and pretend to be so many decades younger, but he has no bucket list?? So, what is experience to him? What is the purpose? The goal? The ambition…….. etc. its ODD).

2. I can understand why D and G would want to remain private just to not make a ruckus. That I can understand. As for the rest, like, it seemed like they were on their way to going public but then yeah I guess Gillian was courted by someone who actually paid attention to her work and passions beyond bodily passions and things got derailed ?? Gillian got tired of David’s lame bullshit “i’ll take whatever job” attitude? lmao. Sorry if this is a really shitty explanation, I just can’t stand to think about Gillovny anymore lmao sorry anon!!

3. What’s “hilarious” (as in, I am using humour to protect myself from how seriously dark and disturbing the situation is and how that kind of injustice alone is enough to make me overwhelmingly angry) is that if he is embarrassed by this bullshit (as he should be) like….. its just hilarity on top of hilarity because he is not embarrassed to make a damn fool of himself on the stage but he is embarrassed by this like LMAO. Idk, I just see it as more self serving disgusting bullshit from him I mean its beyond despicable you can only laugh otherwise you’ll experience a rage so all consuming you’ll end up like me !!! LMAO 

4. I mean maybe its just what it looks like - he sees that its wrong and he tells himself it is ok whenever he wants to visit this little fantasy world where he has needs (need to control, pretend he is still married to Tea, be validated, not be alone, not be alone with himself or his thoughts, need to be on par with Tea and Gillian in terms of moving on with a “partner”, and his history is that of a serial………… misogynistic sex addicted pig serial “dater”?? idk, i feel like that is insulting to people who are dating but you know what I mean, so…) …

5. … so like, there are rules for here and rules for there and rules for this time and that time and yeah its day by day the truth is relative according to what David wants. 

6. In his own words (”lyrics”): why do I remain the same? why do I remain the same? why do I remain the same? (repeated x 10000000). BTW, I’ve noticed that “remaining the same”/not being able to move on/not being able to change therefore being flippant about change is actually a constant theme in his “music”. And yah I’m also saying that he has so many masks and facades but fundamentally he has the same self destructive issues and yeah he’s like why can’t I just be a fake person and live a different life like this is a legitimate question he has and the answer is that he has to face himself and admit what he is but he won't so here we are A.K.A.: stuck. 

7. The lack of affection is … its disturbing. I do what I can to spin it in my mind just to protect myself from how disturbing and dark the situation may theoretically be. But I wish that someone would help this person, I mean look at the situations with R. Kelly, Drake (i’m not talking about the transgressions, but all the bystanders and how long it took for the truth to come to light and also how easily the truth can be swept under the rug) … and how many people just stayed quiet, enabled, did nothing…. it drives me fucking crazy!!!!!

8. I don’t condone the toleration of disrespect (ignoring their “partner” in public) at all so it circles back to David being a fucking piece of fucking controlling exploitative piece of shit who is taking advantage of someone who will not stand up for themselves while he abuses their trust, their affection for him, and their dependance on him - DESPICABLE. 

9. Anon, please don’t go there with the FWB term (and sorry to insult actual FWB for the association with this shit) because first of all, “friends” ???? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

10. David said that he is beyond shame while at the same time saying his “greatest fear” is public shaming. He is full of fuckign contradictions and lies so don’t take his word for it. I don’t believe him. I think he said “public shaming” because he didn’t want people to see this pathetic shit and honestly it was right for the truth to come to fucking light like it honestly gets much more despicable when you think that David would’ve been happy to just get away with this behind the scenes while putting on a mask for his mature, trusting fans like fuck that. 

11. But I think, just from my observations, that he is fundamentally so self centered and so self conscious that his fear IS public shaming but not in the way that he understands it. His fear is vulnerability, or being his true self, which is just a normal person. His fear is being that normal, and completely valid in their own right, person who is nothing like what he projects and wants so badly for us to believe he is. His fear is humility, of seeing himself on the same terms as anyone else. His fear is transparency, visibility, sharing, interacting………….. but he labels that as “public shaming”. Remember: he has so many convoluted fantasies, excuses, dumb words (women’s clothing is bondage? really? thanks David, we surely do look to you as a crusader for women……………) so……… again don’t believe him lmao. 

12. So what i’m saying: is that yes I think he is fuckign embarrassed. And it could be entertaining (to see Mr. Arrogant squirm) if only there weren’t someone whose life is actually being implicated negatively right in front of our eyes.